Eliza's birth...

***warning this post has graphic details, if you cant handle it dont read it****
Eliza Jane Wigington entered the world at 10:58 am Sept 11, 2015 ... The day of remembrance has forever been altered and will have a different meaning for me.  I had been spotting brown blood off and on all week, but not even enough to have a pad. That night I had some pink, and then red blood show.  Again, not enough for a pad. I felt like saying "what is all this bleeding everyone was prepping me for?"
In the morning,   I had mild cramps throughout the 10:00am  hour, near the end of the hour I  started to do some deep breathing through the cramps (I use hypnobirthing instead of medication for laboring)  Around 10:45 I felt a gush , it was her water breaking, but i didnt realize that is what it was. I went to the bathroom about 10 mins later to check on it. I got a catching bowl from the hospital and sat down. I felt alot of "stuff" come out immediately. I got up and looked at the bowl.  I immediately saw a hand, she was under her placenta (that was still attached)  I moved the placenta and saw her whole body. I called jeremy to come quick. We saw her head, spine, ribs, legs, arms, all of her perfectly formed fingers and toes. Her head had fallen into the toilet and wasn't attached so I fished it out. I identified it right away. Her body was mostly attached, one arm was not attached either. But I put her back together on a piece of satin. I was so concerned she would dry out and we couldn't see her all together, but I did get her together. .
 I loved looking at her tiny fingers and toes and elbow and knees and all her little details .. For obvious reasons I'm not sharing her picture.  Having her body put all together is relieving and its helped me be at peace.

After Eliza passed I was just spotting, didn't have extreme bleeding, around 12:45 we buried her. My friend Ethan had prepared her grave and dug her hole a few days ago.
After taking some good pictures of her and her casket, we took her outside and buried her. My husband dedicated the grave and we layed her to rest. Donna helped Jeremy fill the hole with dirt. I noticed Kyra was having a really hard time she didn't want to participate, she just sat and cried. Since I wasn't bleeding very much, II assumed I was fine and asked Jeremy if he would take her to get ice cream to try to cheer her up and have a little dad / kid bonding time.
After 20 mins after they left, within 2 mins I passed 2 very big clots , one was baseball and the other was golf ball sized. I called my ob he said to high tail it to the er. Knowing Jeremy was already in town and it would take 15 mins for him to get home then 15 to get to the hospital. So it would take a half hour to get there and I was BLEEDING badly!  I called a few friends couldn't reach anyone, (mom was also in town, giving the same problem as Jeremy) I called my friend Chris asked her if she could take me. She rushed over and she dropped me off at the er then took Donna to my moms.
While at the ER I proceeded to have a full flow of consistent blood coming out of my cervix. I passed probably 15 more huge clots, soaked 2 packages (20) of chucks (those blue soaking pad things they have you sit on) half a container of paper towels (we were using them to soak up the blood) finally...  After 2 ivs, 4 medications , 8 vials of blood and almost 9 hours they got the bleeding to stop and I was able to go home. I refused to leave until I knew the last medication worked and I had truely slowed down my bleeding. It did!
After coming home I was just fine very little bleeding. (I did it all that day!)
NOW All is well..  my post partum bleeding is normal now and I should be just fine ;)

I admit I'm terrified of getting pregnant again... I'm gonna be such a neurotic pregnant mama!

I guess I'll retire this blog unless I have more happen soon, it until I get pregnant again..

Goodbye blog...

What not to say to a grieving mother...

There is someone in my life that made the statement yesterday that really upset me...
Iwent over to see this person and I asked this person if they would like to see the pictures from the ultrasound that I had today, I was so proud of how good they were and thought this person would like to see them. This person said no they saw it on facebook and followed it up with "I'm concerned your so obsessed with this whole thing" I replied "well you've never walked around knowing your dead baby is still inside of you" she shot back "that was disrespectful" ... Um really!?!?! I'm THE ONE THATS DISRESPECTFUL?? ARE YOU GOSH DARN KIDDING ME??? This same person also said that they didn't understand why I want to deliver the baby and bury IT.(not her, it) I just walked away.. I couldn't even confront it.. I refuse to cry anymore!
I am trying to shake it off. But frankly I'm so angry over what was said.

I think for a woman who found out her baby died 5 days ago I am quite functioning!!   I am starting to get upset by what some people are saying to me.

#1 why do you insist on not getting a D&C
My response: I am not judging women who get d&c's...  If that helps you move in and get closure great!! I however want to deliver my baby and bury her to help me get my closure.

#2 why do you want to bury her? Her soul isn't there anymore...
My response: Because I really pray you don't throw me away with Medical waste when I die! Not to mention experts say if you bury your baby it helps with closure. Which I know it will.

#3 I really don't understand why your so upset, you were only 11 weeks along.
My response: a baby is a BABY. No matter how big or small. I got aa special experience with my Eliza! She has let me know her existence for almost 2 years!! Once pregnant she visited me in spirit often! Even told me her name only 5 hours after finding out I was pregnant! I know what she will look like in the afterlife, I have talked to her. You may call me a bit job, but I believe that it's cause I have a close relationship with my daughter that knew her mommy wouldn't get to snuggle he in real life. I appreciate those experiences, and hold them dear.

#4 will you try again soon?
My response: Eliza still isn't out yet, lets not discuss this till later please..

#5 how is your family taking it
My response: I don't know they're all roving the stages of grief every few hours just like me... However I can only speak for myself. I'm mostly settled in acceptance I've been hitting a couple mins of anger, or sadnes here and there. It's not rage or depression so I feel like I'm doing pretty darn well!! I'm worried when she comes into the world it will hit me hard, so I'm enjoying the days of being ok.

#6 please don't say nothing, but don't say too much.
One of my best friends won't even look at me let alone talk to me. Perhaps it's bringing up her own issues of a miscarriage she had 15 years ago, but still.. I would expect one of my best friends to be offering her live and support, but I'm getting nothing. It makes me feel like she really could care less. Even though I know she probably does.
 Another friend thinks that talking to me about her current healthy pregnancy would make me feel better, news flash, it doesn't.  I'm glad your pregnant um so happy your baby is healthy. But right now complaining about our OB not giving you a 3D ultrasound of your 6 week old ivf tripplets that are bearly even noticable on an ultrasound and she's pissed I GOT one of my dead 11 week old baby.
We already discussed the friends that are trying to convince me to d&c.
And then... Friends that just cry at me... Especially those that have lost babies as well. I'm gonna say this as sensitive as I can. I get that you've lost a baby too, I get that your trying to empathize with me cause you've been there. But I can't take the crying anymore!!  Im sorry if I sound insensitive when I say I don't want to hear about your miscarriage story. (I can handle it if it's breif 2-3 min story but a 15 min diatribe is about the point where I want to punch you) I want to think positivly and look to the best of things right now and I dint want to be brought down!

On the flip side:
The BEST THINGS TO DO  WITH ME RIGHT NOW..
#1 offer to take my kids for a little bit and do something fun with them.
#2 offer to come over and play games with me (I have about 150 games and I love playing them)
#3 do things that make me laugh smile and enjoy life!!
#4 Offer to come watch a funny movie with me.
#5 Offer to clean my kitchen what woman wouldn't appreciate this?
#6 Offer to make my family dinner.

Just a handful of suggestions if you don't know what to do...

I appreciate every person that's reached out to me!! I appreciate everyone that has come to "babysit" me while my husband has been at work. I appreciate every text, Facebook message, comment, or phone calls... Even though I may not have answered, or may not have responded.. I've appreciated them all!!

On a positive note:
At my appt yesterday we got 3 really good pictures of dear Eliza. One you can see all 4 limbs and her head... She looks like a teddy bear it made me very happy! And he flipped it to the 3D (I didn't know he was going to do that) and he got a VERY CLEAR picture of her!! It looks like she is holding her hands to her face like she's crying. It is very precious to me!!

My dear friend Ethan dug her grave hile yesterday, and we picked out what we will bury her in. I am pretty happy its all ready for her to arrive!!

I think it will be less stressful for me when she does come!

I blurted "I have my dead baby inside of me" to a stranger

I'm at an anxious waiting phase still. It's been 5 days. Eliza hasn't contracted or bled a single bit!
Yesterday's was eventful. I thought I'd leave my basement and go to the parade and fair with my friend. My back was hurting but I was fine.

Emotionally I really feel settled about everything. I however did something unexpected. Frankly I'm embarased I did it... (This blog isn't about BS .. its about the gods honest truth... ) When we sat down at the parade, my friend had friends sitting right behind us. I was rubbing my back and he asked if I wanted to use the chair. I said very non-chalantly and brave and straight forward as not to cry " I need my back to hurt cause I'm hoping it turns into contractions because my baby died and I  need her to come out" then I turned back around to the parade. I'm sure this had to have freaked this guy out. But it kinda flew out of my mouth. I saw the "oh god what do I say to that" look on his face, then he saw my "oh dear heavens I did not just blurt that to a perfect stranger" look I gave back as I turned back around.

I was ashamed, embarrassed, but I  felt I needed to say something for some reason. Tell someone "my precious baby's dead body is stuck inside of me and she won't come out!

I came home from the fair to see my husband pulling in the driveway at the same time. He went in the house and layed down as he often does. I assumed he was getting depressed over the baby. So I left him to grieve.

We've had a sick 2 month old goat that I havent been able to attend to since Friday. So I went to find him and give him a b-12 shot. We finally found him, hiding behind a wood pile. Not moving.
I gave him the shot, but it didn't help. He wouldn't stand, very shallow breathing and was very clearly dying. I tried giving him a bottle thinking maybe he was dehydrated? He just layed there. It was too late. He was dying.

At the same time my husband is telling me he's nauseous and didn't feel well. I started saying " honey your emotions are just upset over the baby" then he says "its probably from getting hit in the face at work" WHAT???  My attention imediatly swings to my husband, as my friend was handling the dying goat. I find out one of the special needs clients at work clocked him in the face and in the back of the head and that he's been this way since noon (it was about 5:00 at this time) and nno oneoone at work took him to instacare or anything!!! I was so mad.

So here it is I'm dealing with a dying animal and husband with a concussion while I'm waiting for my dead baby to show up.

I send my husband with my friend to the ER, while I waited for my mom to come get the girls and for a friend to put down the goat. Once the guy handled the goat I headed to the er. Where hubs was diagnosed with an eye laceration and a severe concussion.

It was a long day.

This morning I had partial mucous plug come out. I hoped for more or bleeding, I've been sitting around all day watching walking dead on Netflix with hubs and nothing.

I have my OB appt tomorrow, to get my final pictures of her and to discuss options. I'm sure he'll recommend a d&c again and I'm sure I'll keep saying thanks but no thanks and he'll disagree and I'll smile and say thanks for your opinion lol

I'm hoping he'll give me something to soften the cervix, or to start contractions. Let's cross our fingers.

It's labor day...

It's labor day, gives new meaning to the day today.

I'm on day 4 waiting for Eliza to come out.  And it's Labor day....

Yesterday was a good day of acceptance. I had 4 very AWSOME friends babysit me in shifts while my husband was at work. He had a long what was supposed to be  12 hour shift and ended up being ing a 14 hour shift. I feel I need an adult nearby in case I start bleeding and its too much for me to handle.

We had a good time playing games and  watching movies.

My friend and I were walking around the yard and I think we found where Eliza will be put to rest.

Someone asked why I am going to bury her. "Her spirit isn't here anymore, its just her body"...
My response " neither is your grandma, but you still bury her!!"

My opinion is that she deserves just as much of a burial as a live human being, because she WAS a live 11 week old human being!!

She has a name, I know what she looked like, she is real.

Labor day, I hope my labor begins today, so that others can see her, she is human, she is real, and she was alive!

I did nothing wrong, day 2 waiting

I did nothing wrong, - a phrase a mother that has lost her baby has to repeat to herself, but just never knows how to get herself to believe it. I sure blamed everything I've done in the past 3 days, an everybody around me for that matter.

Fortunately God and Eliza like to talk to me in my dreams.

Last night as I had the past 2 nights I cried myself to sleep, sobbing about my baby. Sad that I'll never get to see her. Upset that I saw her a week ago and since her passing she hasn't come to comfort me..... Until last night.

In my dream I was playing with Donna, her big sister in the park, Eliza came, and was weak and faint and couldn't walk. Donna and I ran to her. Eliza held her chest. She said "Mommy, Mommy its my heart"My husband killed her .. he kicked me in the stomach and killed her! Her heart breaking over his hate LITERALLY KILLED HER 2 days later!! We rushed to the doctors office, it was too late, she was gone. She had disappeared as the full 6 year old she was in the dream (she's always shown herself that age) and she was the size she is right now inside of me, almost an inch small. I was holding her in my hand, crying, knowing .. I DID NOTHING WRONG.. it was her time to go, she just needed a body.

I keep trying to remind myself of my life motto. (TRYING IS THE key word there!)

"Everything happens for a reason, every action, every interaction, the good the bad, the happy, the sad, everything happens for a reason"

That means even this. Losing my baby girl before I get to see her. Never getting to hold her, kiss her, change a diaper, nurse her, sooth her when she cries, or watch her grow.

I have the peace that she can visit me any time she wants.
I have peace knowing that she won't have to suffer in this life with an abusive father that didn't want her
I have peace knowing she was mine, and I got to know her so well.
I have peace knowing my baby won't have the pain and trials of life.
I have peace knowing I'll see her again someday.

I have peace in knowing I DID NOTHING WRONG.

Now we wait.
We wait for her body to come out.
We've decided we don't want her mutilated in a d&c and that we will wait for her to be born and then bury her. So now...  we wait.

The saddest day of my life.. Eliza died

Today started so well. So happy.

Last night one of our goats gave birth to a little boy, the whole family was there and were all out there until 2 am. When we came in I had mild spotting, Jeremy said his ex spotted through her pregnancy and it was probably just "his baby" doing it. I had never spotted with either of my girls so it freaked me out.

I had my OB appointment today to check in miss Eliza and clear me from bedrest. Off me Jeremy and Donna went to the office.

On the drive , little Donna asked if it was time for Eliza to come out yet. As we have told her so many times we said "nope she comes out after halloween, sissys birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, your birthday, new years, Valentine's and St Patrick's day THEN baby Eliza will come out." We all laughed cause she repeated it to the nurse when she came in when we got to the office.

The nurse took my blood pleasure , it was 137/78 ... Which is normally a good blood pressure for normal people but my blood pressure is ALWAYS 100/60 .. I thought that was wierd. We were playing and laughing with the nurse and with each other. After all we were all excited to see miss Eliza again on the ultrasound.

 The nurse took us to the ultrasound room, I changed and got ready for the ultrasound. Still laughing and playing when the doctor came in, because it was his birthday. He began the ultrasound, as he was scanning her, I was explaining to Donna, look there's her spine and her head and her hands and legs" while I was telling her the doctor stopped me and said " "I'm sorry Mary Ellen, but her heart has stopped, her heart is not beating" I was frozen, he was wrong, he couldn't be right. I've seen her, she's talked to me in my dreams she's told me her name. This can't be.
I started tearing up, I was in disbelief. He told me to get dressed and that he was sorry, and that once I was ready to open the door and he would come back and explain everything.

I was just crying so hard. In shock, in disbelief, he handed me a picture of her. He said she was still at the 10 day delay as it had 3 weeks ago when she was healthy, so it had happened I. The past day or 2. But this was it the last thing to see of my baby. I started throwing up, I jumped off the table.
I stayed there and cried and cried, so upset I kept puking.  I eventually got dressed and were taken to another room.
My doctor came in and asked if I had any questions. I was crying and shook my head no. Donna told him " baby Eliza was coming out after Halloween and her birthday, and Christmas" ... I cried even harder. The doctor was so sweet and loving enough to tell her that baby Eliza died, and is with heavenly father now.
Donna had no clue what was going on, she turned to me and said "I'm sorry baby Eliza died mommy" I just kept crying.. I was so numb. I had never even thought I'd lose a baby. I had perfectly healthy babies.

I didn't even have the mindset to even look at my husband, I was just in too much shock, I don't even know if he was crying too. I think he was trying to be strong for me, he had never seen me so beaten and defeated before. I'm usually the strong one. I felt his hand rubbing me every second though.

Every scinario went in my head; was I too restless of a bedrester, cause I never really followed it? did the anesthesia from my stitches do it? How about the dilotted from when my throat was cut? Was it because I sucked at taking my vitamins? Was it because of a fight Jeremy and I had? Was it because I  took an antibiotic for a UTI  I had? Was it because I couldn't just stay home and do what I ws told on bedrest? Was it from the fall from the tree? Was it from the essential oils I used? Was it because she had a natural abnormality? Was it because I wasn't eating well enough? SO MANY THINGS WERE SWIRLING IN MY HEAD. the preassure built I said none outloud, told Jeremy to make my appointment and ran from the office. I was shattered...

I got I the car and just cried and cried.

Jeremy was at a loss of what to do I could tell. The only thing I said was "I know her name is Eliza Jane" he didn't like Jane and we compromised to Ann. He just said "OK" .. He knew not to fight he was very good at nowing right now was my hell.

We got home and I ran to my room.  I took my maternity pants off and threw them, as I won't need them anymore, since I'm not gonna be pregnant much longer.

He left me to cry in my bed.  I started doing the "ugly -I lost -my-baby" TV drama cry. He came down about 10 mins later. He made me a shake to make me feel better. He didn't know what to do. I cried so hard for about 15 mins. It got to a point where I couldn't breathe.

I have a "spare" prescription of xanex I've kept for years, and only have used a handful of times. I told him I needed one so I can handle this. He got it for me. I continued crying. I called my mom 3 times and she didn't answer. She was at the senior center so I called there, she was leading the music, I told them it was an emergency with her daughter. She came to the phone and I told her. She was upset but like my husband was trying to hold it together for me.

I hung up, still numb and crying. I started doing the deep ugly cry again my husband layed in bed with me holding me.. I posted on my Facebook a very simple "Miss Eliza Jane Wigington wasn't able to make it to the mortal world but she got a body, she died in the past couple days ... My heart is broken, I've never lost a baby before ..."
The Xanax kicked in and I fell asleep pretty much right away after that.

I dreamed about my greif, my family, that generally doesn't care about me much, coming to see me and comfort me and my family.

I woke up .. I was dizzy, my head hurt, I'm sure from all the tears, stress, grief, agony.. You name it I was feeling it.

Remember I the dream I just had, a memory jogged my brain. I remembered my sister Christina miscarrying a baby on Thanksgiving one year when we lived in California.  I remember her coming in the house and falling to the floor crying. I remember not knowing how to console her. Not understanding I texted her, told her "Eliza died" she said things that were loving and even helped.

I remembered what I had told other mothers that have lost babies. "It's in gods plan" " your baby must have been so valient to have just needed a body and that was it, now they get to be a wonderful guardian angel for you" "everything happens for a reason" etc etc  I remembered ELIZA needed me to stop crying and look for the bright side.. And start taking my own consolation words to heart!

I went to Facebook and changed my post "Miss Eliza Jane Wigington wasn't able to make it to the mortal world but she got an 11 week old body, she died in the past couple days according to the ultrasound she was the right size for today... I'll never forget her spirit that constantly talked to me. In dreams she showed me what she looked like, and her cute personality.  She had dark curly hair and deep brown eyes with gorgeous lashes . Maybe she knew I wouldn't get to meet her and that was her way of comforting her mama. I've always believed the most valiant souls in the pre earth life, just needed a body, then they get to go back and wait for thier family.  It is my only comfort, My heart is broken, I've never lost a baby before ..."

I felt I needed to tell more about HER,  WHO SHE WAS, give a real description of who she was, since I was the only one that knew her.

I keep remembering g the first dream I had with her. A good year and a half before even conceiving her. She came and told me she was waiting. I knew she was mine, I loved her already.. I loved her pretty eyes and beautiful smile.

The next dream was the next night, she was introducing me to my boys, that I'll have in 2 years, they were rambunctious little guys and she was helping me wrangle them. So pretty so fun, so helpful.

I had many dreams of her since being pregnant with her. She told me her name within a few hours of finding out we were pregnant. That wasn't uncommon for me, both my other girls I knew right away as well.

The last dream I had of her was about a week and a half ago, she came as about a 4-5 year old she just wanted mama kisses and snuggles. I told he I couldn't wait to see her soon. She just snuggled and didn't say anything. Maybe she knew that would never come in person.

I get to gold those memories, maybe she'll visit and give me more.

3 nights ago I had a dream I miscarried and delivered her in the toilet. I assumed it was from all the abortion stuff I've been seeing online. Maybe it was her preparing me.

By the time I woke up Jeremy had gone to work. Kyra was caring for Donna while I slept. I called her and asked if she could make me something to eat. I knew I was greif stricken.

I was so numb, I felt like the world stopped moving. I had about 20 missed calls and just as many texts from people that saw it on Facebook and wanting to talk . I ignored the calls, but did text a few people.  I read all the sweet words people wrote on facebook, it is comforti g to me to know i have so many that love me. But it became too much for me to handle.

I've become a zombie
 I don't know how long I'll be this way. I hope not for long...

I know Kyra is hurting too, I don't know how to help her, I can't even help myself right now.

Every time I go to the bathroom I am anxiously waiting to see bleading so that I can deliver my baby. I want to see her. I want to bury her. I don't want her sucked out of me and thrown away with the aborted babies. She needs to be buried, I need to see her. I need to see my baby. I hope I can.

Put me in a bubble..

Seriously considering buying a human hamster wheel for myself!

Last week  I was vacuuming because we had company coming over. (Yes I know not supposed to but it was a 12x12 rug so not a big area)

I was vaccuming with my right hand and picked up a pair of my sewing scissors (aka suture scissors that I got when Kyra got stitches 5 years ago) I forgot I had picked them up, and went to switch which hand I was vacuuming with and stabbed myself in my left pointer finger... There was a tinj of "what did I just do?" With "oh hod the pain!!" Then I mixed in "oh my look at all the blood" I screamed..
Searched for my husband ran upstairs holding 2 hands of blood, trying not to pass out. Kyra came out of her room as I was hollering and trying frantically to stop the bleeding in the kitchen. I told her we needed to find Jeremy because I needed to go to the hospital. She saw all the blood and didn't ask questions.
We searched everywhere, he was in Seth's room skyping with Seth with his head phones on and couldn't hear us screaming for him. He eventually was found and off to the ER we went.

We got there, checked in, went right back. The Dr came in and asked what I did, as I started telling him, I got to I was vaccuming and picked up a pair of scissors," as he lifted the gauze, left the room with out saying anything, I stopped talking. He shouted in, "keep going I'm just getting a suture kit" we all laughed. I continued telling him the story. He was the funniest doctor ever! Cracking jokes making sure we got good pictures it was fun. I admit it.

So 3 stitches later..

So current count injury count, cracked hip, 3 cracked ribs a dislocated shoulder, and 3 stitches...

You'd think that was enough right??

Saturday we went to the demolition derby.. I look forward to it every year and I couldn't miss it. I think I over exherted myself earlier in the day, yet again not following bedrest and helped put 3 doors in the house.

At the derby I was really light headed and very nauseated. I got carmel corn cause lets face it Carmel corn and redneck demo derby go hand in hand!! After the derby I was feeling very very nauseated... Jeremy went ahead to get the car I figured I'd walk slowly and breathe and I'd be OK.
Halfway there I started puking. Just ALITTLE not much.. Until I had a sharp kernal stuck at around the neck bone of the esophagus. Then violent puking started. It was burning so bad!! I just figured it was the stomach acid and I'll drink water and I'll be fine. I drank 2 bottles of water, and it was still burning I started noticing a blood taste in my mouth. Evey time I swallowed I'd get a small pool in my throat.. I thought was spit, I soon found was blood. We stopped home and I tried to drink aloe, after all it's soothing right?? Wrong... It is unless you cut your throat open. So I got to the er, it was confirmed I cut and scrapes my throat and because I'm pregnant I can't have what they'd do to fix it so I got to just suffer... Well not until they gave me dilotted through the IV. That made me feel loopy.. Man I do NOT know how druggies do it!! But I do remember telling the doctor, which happened to be the same one that stitched my hand, I told him he was AWSOME and that we loved him, he said "sounds like the drugs are kicking in" it was funny.

 I was out for the next day. My throat burned like a diaper rashed baby's butt!! I was on a purely liquid diet for 3 days!

I go see my doctor Friday for my bedrest follow up.. Haha he's not gonna be too happy with me.

I'm feeling good today though
I'll be cutting out the stitches tomorrow and I'll be nearly all healed throat, and my hip and ribs generally aren't hurting anymore ;) so things are good ;)

Falling out of a treeswing =Bedrest.. Seriously?

So 6 days ago I put my new tree swing in my tree. I have wanted one if these since I was a teen!! I was so excited!
So I get it in the tree secure the 2 sides, seemed secure. Donna wanted to come sit in my lap. I seemed secure so I pulled her into my lap, just then boom crash the right side popped and I landed on my right hip HARD on the ground!! I was like oh I'm fine I'm fine. I could see Jeremy fighting the urge to laugh. But I was in legit pain, but wasn't gonna tell his smart butt that!!
I called the doctor and he asked if I had bleeding, I hadn't gone to the bathroom yet so I said no. He said to come in and we will check her out anyway. I went to the bathroom 20 mins later... There was brown (aka old) blood and alot of mucous. So I called him back and told him. He said he'll do an ultrasound and make sure she is fine.

We got to the office about 3 hours later, we had the ultrasound got to hear her 155 bpm heartbeat she was good and healthy!!  She was measuring 10 days small... Frankly scaring the crap out of me, cause it just didn't make sense at all. We had sex on the 29th I ovulated on the 31st.. And according to his measurement he said we conceived in the 17th... There is no possible way because we already had 2 positive hcg tests by then ... Not to mention that we didn't even have sex for 9 days before the 17th! And I KNOW I ovulated on the 31st!! so I'm a little worried she's measuring small.

Anyway so after he's done with the baby is smaller so the due date is changed to April 5 discussion.

He then casually says, ok "so take it easy the next 3 weeks, no vigorous activity, nothing that will tire you, no lifting or carrying anything if you can help it, and no sex for 3 weeks..." NOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOUR KIDDING ME RIGHT!?!?! I'm a freaking newlywed still !! what ?? He said other stuff after that but I was still in schock of the no sex restriction with my brain screaming "you've got to be kidding me" so I didn't hear it..

The bleeding stopped 2 days later, but Im still on restriction...

I'm fairly sure I cracked my hip bone cause its still writhing in agony pain 6 days later!  When I fell I also popped out 3 ribs that I have had trouble with for 2 years ; Long story short on those ribs, I slipped on railroad ties in the winter on ice and cracked them and they like to pop out alot, my chiropractor is constantly putting them back for me. And last but not least I popped my shoulder blade as well .. So I really am a sad pile of bones right now!! And I should be behaving on this bedrest, but I have stuff to do, like feeding goats, and weeding the garden, and pulling siding off my house lol .. I have to say I suck at bedrest..

Oh and another note... I have been having  horrible horrible horrible headaches since getting pregnant that are constant ... And this event didn't help, instead of prescribing pain medicine, I get a Dr pepper a day... I haven't drank soda regularly in 3 years.. This will be interesting... I'm not drinking one a day though I'm just doing it when the headaches are really bad.. It does work though. Who knew!?!?

I'm exhausted.. ALL THE TIME!!

I am so tired all the time!
I don't remember being this tired in either if my previous pregnancies!!
I literally go up the stairs and wear out. I mean yes I'm fat, but holy crap even being fat I've never worn out this fast!
Fortunately for the first time I have a husband with me to help me though the pregnancy!  Maybe it's God's way of saying "well done doing it in your own, twice, now have fun having a helpmate, so feel free to relax some this time, I'll help you out by exhausting you CONSTANTLY!!"
Is that fair ? I dunno, but I'm OK with it ... My husband is being really sweet about it. I'm greatful he is being so patient even with my pregnancy crying lol.
The other night I had a totally pregnancy hormone induced cry, and he was so sweet about it.

I'm so greatful to have him here with me to help me though it!

The first doctors appointment

I'll get the hcg numbers it of the way it went 23, 53 100, 255, 550, 1345, 2000 .. Once I hit 2000 we got an ultrasound ;)

My doctor has an office in central Utah and we had a funeral for a friend on Saturday up there as well, and the doctors appt on Friday so we went camping in Manti. It was really fun ;)
The ultrasound was an internal ultrasound, Jeremy was scared it would hurt the baby , the doctor assured him it was safe. ;) Then we got to see the little one ;) we didn't get a print out but the doctor explained to Jeremy the sac, placenta, and baby. He measured the sac 4-6 weeks but in 4 weeks we will get another ultrasound where we will get an exact age

As far as puking and nauseated life goes I don't have any symptoms of pregnancy other than exhaustion.

Hcg tests

So the day we went in and I thought I was pregnant my doctor had me get a blood hch test it was 23 which is pregnant .. He had me repeat 2 days later .. It was 53 next repeat 2 days later was 100... Going in again today looking for 200 I get to keep going till I hit 1500 ... I wonder why ??? 

Gaul stones

Oh my heavens ... I've had a Gaul bladder disease for 3  years usually only gives me trouble 1-2 times a year ..  I've now had 6 Gaul stones pass since being pregnant ...
I hope this apple cider vineager trick really is getting rid of the Gail stones ! I really don't want this to keep going the entire pregnancy !!

How much is too much ? Changes in do's and don'ts in 15 years

Ok so since getting pregnant I've been slightly obsessed with researching, as I usually am in pregnancy. But there are some changes that I didn't have last go round.

#1 don't carry anything over 15 pounds? When did that go in place? I mean I am a work in the yard, lift, haul, do person!!
Just yesterday I was cleaning the garage and moving and lifting and working hard (so hard I sweat everywhere!) I did get some cramping right after so u probably shouldn't do that again, but it also drives me nuts playing the "imobile ivilid" when I am capable!

#2 when I was prego with both my girls they said that nail polish poisoned the baby so not to use it, this time it's nope your fine just limi to twice a month ... Uhhh ok ??

#3
 With Kyra people ate deli meat and didn't care,  10 years later with Donna no hot dogs or deli meat, this time around  5 years later, its yes to the deli meat but it must be heated to steaming first... Uhhh ok

#4 no fresh juice ?? What??  No unpasteurized juice from the farmers market? Ok wierd but OK

#5 I didn't remember hearing anything about eggs in either pervious pregnancy but now eggs must be fully cooked and no egg nog :( what !?!? Christmas and thanksgiving is gonna suck!

#6  I didn't remember hearing anything about protien the last pregnancy but this one I'm reading ALOT about high protien foods. I remember the "eat 2 servings of fish a week for baby's brain growth" but that was pretty much it. Speaking of fish .... No shark?!?! I just got some from a friend :( over all,  Good to know though! I eat high protien generally anyway so that works.

#7
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I get soft cheese back ;) previously was a no no .. I love brie!

These are all I've noticed so far.. I'm sure there's more.

Insomnia... Whyyyyyyyyy???

I have the worst insomnia! I don't know why I wake up so often, and then STAY AWAKE, for no flipping reason! I mean it's not like my little lady is big enough to even move and kick me yet!!

FYI I'm having a girl ;) we have even named her ;)

where did these boobs come from ?

So generally I have large boobs, but
In 2 weeks I have gained 3 inches in my boobs, geez it almost happened overnight!!  I don't remember them swelling this much this fast and with such pain! They are so firm that they feel like fake boobs!! I guess I'll need to get new bras!
Sorry but I had to tell someone...

Many changes in 4 years.. The newest of which is a new baby!

Since I last posted on this blog many things have changed in my life.

Little Donna is 4 now, loves her princesses and is certainly not my baby anymore!
I got married a few months ago and gained a bonus son that is 2.

I now own a farm with goats and bees and a duck.

Life has a different viewfinder from  5 years ago that's for sure!

I am now 4 weeks 4 days pregnant with my 3rd pregnancy ... That is so strange to me, 4 years ago I thought I was done... God had other plans.

Let's fill you all in on the last couple weeks.

First off I track my ovulation like people track the tides, its like clockwork and it never misses being on time!

My husband and I "planned" on waiting 6 months after being married to adjust to married life before trying for a baby.
Ovulation #1 went by smoothly with no problem. 1 month down 5 to go.

Monday:
4 days before my scheduled, always reliable, like clockwork ovulation #2 we were intimate... Which is supposed to be a safe zone, since sperm only live 72 hours... Well that is, unless your body decides to ovulate a day early... Which happens to be the case here.

Wednesday :
So the day I ovulated I had a dream I was pregnant. The next morning I told my husband that I think we should try the following month for the baby and that I felt we needed to get pregnant sooner than the 6 month wait we had discussed. All the while, not knowing I was pregnant already. He said lets pray about it so we did.

Thursday: we went to the renaissance fair in town, dressed in cute ren fair outfits we have (I have a whole tote of ren fair clothes). I can normally wear my bodice fully synched, no problem, I do it all the time. About an hour in I loosened it , then another hour later I loosened it more about another hour later I felt like I couldn't breathe and I took it off. What?? That has never happened to me!
The next thing that happened was WEIRD! this old lady walks up touches my belly and says "are you expecting?" Knowing "darn well" I ovulate that day and that we spaced it out right I said no. Unbeknownst to me, I already had a pretty little fertilized baby making its way down the fallopian tube. How did this carny know I was pregnant already?

I did feel something going on in my body i chalked i up to the heat and later that night I had a Gaul stone attack and pass a very painful Gaul stone which wiped my body out!  I was very tired after and was in alot of body aches and pains. About 3 years ago I developed a Gaul bladder disease which causes massive amounts of stones. And when they pass hurt like a million little razor blades attached to a steal toe boot kicking you in your side for 45 mins. I have found that Herbalife aloe elevates them well and helps dissolve them so I have been drinking that to help! However the doctor still unsure why I haven't gotten it out said "are you sure you don't want it removed?" My response : god put it in there... So he recommended apple cider vineager and apple juice (I've heard this before) and that was the plan for the next few days!

Friday: we went to visit our friends farm. We go nearly every month for a weekend. Friday went fine but Saturday I felt like poop the whole day!! I felt drained, but I put on a great fake smile and cheery disposition for most of the day. I gained some energy back around 6-7 when we went to a friends house and had a camp fire roasted marshmallows, and had rabbit for the first time! That was yummy!!

Cute little side note our little buck is only 2 weeks old and Kyra was staying

at the farm for 2 weeks so she brought him with her, cause he is her bottle baby this year. And however he still doesn't eat solids, while toasting marshmallows he ate one hahah it was adorable!!

We had an amazing time hanging with Grace and her family until late in the evening (it was like 1 am before going to bed)

We went back to the house and went to bed.
Sunday: I woke up the next morning a ZOMBIE!! I did NOT want to get out of bed, I was SO tired! I chalked it up to not going to bed till late and dragged my butt out of bed. I started feeling "stuff" going on "down south". I am very sensitive and can feel when anything is a miss in my system. I thought maybe my body was having indigestion from first time rabbit? Maybe I'm feeling weird cause I stayed up late? Maybe it's due to the heat?

We went to church. Relief society I felt like crap but mustered through it. I went into sacrament meeting and I just felt so drained I was gonna pass out. I have no idea how I made it through all of the meeting but I did. I went back to the house and took a nap. I just felt sick as a dog. Maybe I had food poisoning? maybe another gaul stone was prepping to come out? Omg maybe I'm pregnant? Was the old wierdo at the ren fair psychic?  I hurry and calculate in my brain. Yep today would be implantation if I were, which would explain the cramping feelings.
No no no I'm just tired because of the Gaul stones.
We head in the road home. About 20 mins into the drive I can keep it to myself anymore, I have to tell my husband cause this baby thing won't get out of my head!
I tell him I think I might could be pregnant and that I am feeling cramping which I think is implantation.
He tells me there's no way I would know this soon, I tell him, I know my body.
I could see on his face he was terrified!  I was like ohhh poor guy.. But in my heart I knew I was right.
5 mins later a Gaul stone hits .. HARD!! it lasted 45 mins and was just excruciating! Especially since we were driving. I had nothing to help with the pain. I used energy work an even had Jeremy help with it to get the pain to pass. I think it shocked him how fast and well it worked. We had never experienced anything like that to date, in our marriage. .. I rested for a couple hours, feeling completely drained from the attack. Then I had another one ... My dear sweet husband instantly put his hand on me and started working the energy. It went away in about 5 mins and I fell asleep. And I didn't wake up till we got home.

Monday I was just DRAINED those Gaul stones took every ounce of energy out of me! I tried to go to Monday afternoon cards and almost fell over!! I went home and napped. I had a dream about a baby. I woke up and still felt awful, I figured I needed to call my doctor and see what he could do. The earliest he had was Thursday. We made the appointment but just to make sure I bought a couple pregnancy tests a few weeks before in preparation to being pregnant. I took the test. It said no.. I threw it away.

Tuesday: The next day I had some energy so I went to the nutrition club where dawn weighed and measured me.. My body fat was down muscle was up lost a ton of inches but GAINED 2 in my boobs??
My friend even questioned me. I told her I thought I was and tested but that I got a negative, and that my period wasn't even due for another 4 days (Saturday). So we wouldn't know for sure for another week, but because of the Gaul bladder issue I didn't know what symptoms were from what ailment!

Wednesday
I felt like garbage all day AGAIN. Took 2 naps! That night I took another pregnancy test it also said no. I thought I may have seen a line so I pulled out the test from 2 days ago and it was positive.. Wait what ?? Why is there a line there?? This confused me. I called Jeremy down stairs and explained it all to him. He said we could get a blood test tomorrow and find out for sure since we were going to the doctors office anyway.
About an hour later while brushing my teeth .. Puukeeeeeeeee everywhere!! That was confirmation enough for me!! I was definitely pregnant!! Jeremy again didn't believe me.

Thursday we went to the appointment. They did a urine pregnancy test, it was negative. He still ordered the hcg blood test since my period was in a day so they levels may not have been high enough for a test to detect. He was getting blood work for the Gaul bladder done anyway so why not add one more test.

At 2:45 I called the office I was put on hold for 15 mins till the doctor could get on the line .. So right at 3:00 he said I was pregnant and had a 23 hcg level and that my Gaul bladder was "being jacked up" I told him duhh I  knew that, but I cared more about the pregnancy.

So there it was I was pregnant again..

But this time I'm married.. It will be a different experience I'm sure!



I thought about if I should do a new blog for the new baby. I decided to keep writing in this one. So here it is.