I did nothing wrong, day 2 waiting

I did nothing wrong, - a phrase a mother that has lost her baby has to repeat to herself, but just never knows how to get herself to believe it. I sure blamed everything I've done in the past 3 days, an everybody around me for that matter.

Fortunately God and Eliza like to talk to me in my dreams.

Last night as I had the past 2 nights I cried myself to sleep, sobbing about my baby. Sad that I'll never get to see her. Upset that I saw her a week ago and since her passing she hasn't come to comfort me..... Until last night.

In my dream I was playing with Donna, her big sister in the park, Eliza came, and was weak and faint and couldn't walk. Donna and I ran to her. Eliza held her chest. She said "Mommy, Mommy its my heart"My husband killed her .. he kicked me in the stomach and killed her! Her heart breaking over his hate LITERALLY KILLED HER 2 days later!! We rushed to the doctors office, it was too late, she was gone. She had disappeared as the full 6 year old she was in the dream (she's always shown herself that age) and she was the size she is right now inside of me, almost an inch small. I was holding her in my hand, crying, knowing .. I DID NOTHING WRONG.. it was her time to go, she just needed a body.

I keep trying to remind myself of my life motto. (TRYING IS THE key word there!)

"Everything happens for a reason, every action, every interaction, the good the bad, the happy, the sad, everything happens for a reason"

That means even this. Losing my baby girl before I get to see her. Never getting to hold her, kiss her, change a diaper, nurse her, sooth her when she cries, or watch her grow.

I have the peace that she can visit me any time she wants.
I have peace knowing that she won't have to suffer in this life with an abusive father that didn't want her
I have peace knowing she was mine, and I got to know her so well.
I have peace knowing my baby won't have the pain and trials of life.
I have peace knowing I'll see her again someday.

I have peace in knowing I DID NOTHING WRONG.

Now we wait.
We wait for her body to come out.
We've decided we don't want her mutilated in a d&c and that we will wait for her to be born and then bury her. So now...  we wait.