Eliza's birth...

***warning this post has graphic details, if you cant handle it dont read it****
Eliza Jane Wigington entered the world at 10:58 am Sept 11, 2015 ... The day of remembrance has forever been altered and will have a different meaning for me.  I had been spotting brown blood off and on all week, but not even enough to have a pad. That night I had some pink, and then red blood show.  Again, not enough for a pad. I felt like saying "what is all this bleeding everyone was prepping me for?"
In the morning,   I had mild cramps throughout the 10:00am  hour, near the end of the hour I  started to do some deep breathing through the cramps (I use hypnobirthing instead of medication for laboring)  Around 10:45 I felt a gush , it was her water breaking, but i didnt realize that is what it was. I went to the bathroom about 10 mins later to check on it. I got a catching bowl from the hospital and sat down. I felt alot of "stuff" come out immediately. I got up and looked at the bowl.  I immediately saw a hand, she was under her placenta (that was still attached)  I moved the placenta and saw her whole body. I called jeremy to come quick. We saw her head, spine, ribs, legs, arms, all of her perfectly formed fingers and toes. Her head had fallen into the toilet and wasn't attached so I fished it out. I identified it right away. Her body was mostly attached, one arm was not attached either. But I put her back together on a piece of satin. I was so concerned she would dry out and we couldn't see her all together, but I did get her together. .
 I loved looking at her tiny fingers and toes and elbow and knees and all her little details .. For obvious reasons I'm not sharing her picture.  Having her body put all together is relieving and its helped me be at peace.

After Eliza passed I was just spotting, didn't have extreme bleeding, around 12:45 we buried her. My friend Ethan had prepared her grave and dug her hole a few days ago.
After taking some good pictures of her and her casket, we took her outside and buried her. My husband dedicated the grave and we layed her to rest. Donna helped Jeremy fill the hole with dirt. I noticed Kyra was having a really hard time she didn't want to participate, she just sat and cried. Since I wasn't bleeding very much, II assumed I was fine and asked Jeremy if he would take her to get ice cream to try to cheer her up and have a little dad / kid bonding time.
After 20 mins after they left, within 2 mins I passed 2 very big clots , one was baseball and the other was golf ball sized. I called my ob he said to high tail it to the er. Knowing Jeremy was already in town and it would take 15 mins for him to get home then 15 to get to the hospital. So it would take a half hour to get there and I was BLEEDING badly!  I called a few friends couldn't reach anyone, (mom was also in town, giving the same problem as Jeremy) I called my friend Chris asked her if she could take me. She rushed over and she dropped me off at the er then took Donna to my moms.
While at the ER I proceeded to have a full flow of consistent blood coming out of my cervix. I passed probably 15 more huge clots, soaked 2 packages (20) of chucks (those blue soaking pad things they have you sit on) half a container of paper towels (we were using them to soak up the blood) finally...  After 2 ivs, 4 medications , 8 vials of blood and almost 9 hours they got the bleeding to stop and I was able to go home. I refused to leave until I knew the last medication worked and I had truely slowed down my bleeding. It did!
After coming home I was just fine very little bleeding. (I did it all that day!)
NOW All is well..  my post partum bleeding is normal now and I should be just fine ;)

I admit I'm terrified of getting pregnant again... I'm gonna be such a neurotic pregnant mama!

I guess I'll retire this blog unless I have more happen soon, it until I get pregnant again..

Goodbye blog...

What not to say to a grieving mother...

There is someone in my life that made the statement yesterday that really upset me...
Iwent over to see this person and I asked this person if they would like to see the pictures from the ultrasound that I had today, I was so proud of how good they were and thought this person would like to see them. This person said no they saw it on facebook and followed it up with "I'm concerned your so obsessed with this whole thing" I replied "well you've never walked around knowing your dead baby is still inside of you" she shot back "that was disrespectful" ... Um really!?!?! I'm THE ONE THATS DISRESPECTFUL?? ARE YOU GOSH DARN KIDDING ME??? This same person also said that they didn't understand why I want to deliver the baby and bury IT.(not her, it) I just walked away.. I couldn't even confront it.. I refuse to cry anymore!
I am trying to shake it off. But frankly I'm so angry over what was said.

I think for a woman who found out her baby died 5 days ago I am quite functioning!!   I am starting to get upset by what some people are saying to me.

#1 why do you insist on not getting a D&C
My response: I am not judging women who get d&c's...  If that helps you move in and get closure great!! I however want to deliver my baby and bury her to help me get my closure.

#2 why do you want to bury her? Her soul isn't there anymore...
My response: Because I really pray you don't throw me away with Medical waste when I die! Not to mention experts say if you bury your baby it helps with closure. Which I know it will.

#3 I really don't understand why your so upset, you were only 11 weeks along.
My response: a baby is a BABY. No matter how big or small. I got aa special experience with my Eliza! She has let me know her existence for almost 2 years!! Once pregnant she visited me in spirit often! Even told me her name only 5 hours after finding out I was pregnant! I know what she will look like in the afterlife, I have talked to her. You may call me a bit job, but I believe that it's cause I have a close relationship with my daughter that knew her mommy wouldn't get to snuggle he in real life. I appreciate those experiences, and hold them dear.

#4 will you try again soon?
My response: Eliza still isn't out yet, lets not discuss this till later please..

#5 how is your family taking it
My response: I don't know they're all roving the stages of grief every few hours just like me... However I can only speak for myself. I'm mostly settled in acceptance I've been hitting a couple mins of anger, or sadnes here and there. It's not rage or depression so I feel like I'm doing pretty darn well!! I'm worried when she comes into the world it will hit me hard, so I'm enjoying the days of being ok.

#6 please don't say nothing, but don't say too much.
One of my best friends won't even look at me let alone talk to me. Perhaps it's bringing up her own issues of a miscarriage she had 15 years ago, but still.. I would expect one of my best friends to be offering her live and support, but I'm getting nothing. It makes me feel like she really could care less. Even though I know she probably does.
 Another friend thinks that talking to me about her current healthy pregnancy would make me feel better, news flash, it doesn't.  I'm glad your pregnant um so happy your baby is healthy. But right now complaining about our OB not giving you a 3D ultrasound of your 6 week old ivf tripplets that are bearly even noticable on an ultrasound and she's pissed I GOT one of my dead 11 week old baby.
We already discussed the friends that are trying to convince me to d&c.
And then... Friends that just cry at me... Especially those that have lost babies as well. I'm gonna say this as sensitive as I can. I get that you've lost a baby too, I get that your trying to empathize with me cause you've been there. But I can't take the crying anymore!!  Im sorry if I sound insensitive when I say I don't want to hear about your miscarriage story. (I can handle it if it's breif 2-3 min story but a 15 min diatribe is about the point where I want to punch you) I want to think positivly and look to the best of things right now and I dint want to be brought down!

On the flip side:
The BEST THINGS TO DO  WITH ME RIGHT NOW..
#1 offer to take my kids for a little bit and do something fun with them.
#2 offer to come over and play games with me (I have about 150 games and I love playing them)
#3 do things that make me laugh smile and enjoy life!!
#4 Offer to come watch a funny movie with me.
#5 Offer to clean my kitchen what woman wouldn't appreciate this?
#6 Offer to make my family dinner.

Just a handful of suggestions if you don't know what to do...

I appreciate every person that's reached out to me!! I appreciate everyone that has come to "babysit" me while my husband has been at work. I appreciate every text, Facebook message, comment, or phone calls... Even though I may not have answered, or may not have responded.. I've appreciated them all!!

On a positive note:
At my appt yesterday we got 3 really good pictures of dear Eliza. One you can see all 4 limbs and her head... She looks like a teddy bear it made me very happy! And he flipped it to the 3D (I didn't know he was going to do that) and he got a VERY CLEAR picture of her!! It looks like she is holding her hands to her face like she's crying. It is very precious to me!!

My dear friend Ethan dug her grave hile yesterday, and we picked out what we will bury her in. I am pretty happy its all ready for her to arrive!!

I think it will be less stressful for me when she does come!

I blurted "I have my dead baby inside of me" to a stranger

I'm at an anxious waiting phase still. It's been 5 days. Eliza hasn't contracted or bled a single bit!
Yesterday's was eventful. I thought I'd leave my basement and go to the parade and fair with my friend. My back was hurting but I was fine.

Emotionally I really feel settled about everything. I however did something unexpected. Frankly I'm embarased I did it... (This blog isn't about BS .. its about the gods honest truth... ) When we sat down at the parade, my friend had friends sitting right behind us. I was rubbing my back and he asked if I wanted to use the chair. I said very non-chalantly and brave and straight forward as not to cry " I need my back to hurt cause I'm hoping it turns into contractions because my baby died and I  need her to come out" then I turned back around to the parade. I'm sure this had to have freaked this guy out. But it kinda flew out of my mouth. I saw the "oh god what do I say to that" look on his face, then he saw my "oh dear heavens I did not just blurt that to a perfect stranger" look I gave back as I turned back around.

I was ashamed, embarrassed, but I  felt I needed to say something for some reason. Tell someone "my precious baby's dead body is stuck inside of me and she won't come out!

I came home from the fair to see my husband pulling in the driveway at the same time. He went in the house and layed down as he often does. I assumed he was getting depressed over the baby. So I left him to grieve.

We've had a sick 2 month old goat that I havent been able to attend to since Friday. So I went to find him and give him a b-12 shot. We finally found him, hiding behind a wood pile. Not moving.
I gave him the shot, but it didn't help. He wouldn't stand, very shallow breathing and was very clearly dying. I tried giving him a bottle thinking maybe he was dehydrated? He just layed there. It was too late. He was dying.

At the same time my husband is telling me he's nauseous and didn't feel well. I started saying " honey your emotions are just upset over the baby" then he says "its probably from getting hit in the face at work" WHAT???  My attention imediatly swings to my husband, as my friend was handling the dying goat. I find out one of the special needs clients at work clocked him in the face and in the back of the head and that he's been this way since noon (it was about 5:00 at this time) and nno oneoone at work took him to instacare or anything!!! I was so mad.

So here it is I'm dealing with a dying animal and husband with a concussion while I'm waiting for my dead baby to show up.

I send my husband with my friend to the ER, while I waited for my mom to come get the girls and for a friend to put down the goat. Once the guy handled the goat I headed to the er. Where hubs was diagnosed with an eye laceration and a severe concussion.

It was a long day.

This morning I had partial mucous plug come out. I hoped for more or bleeding, I've been sitting around all day watching walking dead on Netflix with hubs and nothing.

I have my OB appt tomorrow, to get my final pictures of her and to discuss options. I'm sure he'll recommend a d&c again and I'm sure I'll keep saying thanks but no thanks and he'll disagree and I'll smile and say thanks for your opinion lol

I'm hoping he'll give me something to soften the cervix, or to start contractions. Let's cross our fingers.

It's labor day...

It's labor day, gives new meaning to the day today.

I'm on day 4 waiting for Eliza to come out.  And it's Labor day....

Yesterday was a good day of acceptance. I had 4 very AWSOME friends babysit me in shifts while my husband was at work. He had a long what was supposed to be  12 hour shift and ended up being ing a 14 hour shift. I feel I need an adult nearby in case I start bleeding and its too much for me to handle.

We had a good time playing games and  watching movies.

My friend and I were walking around the yard and I think we found where Eliza will be put to rest.

Someone asked why I am going to bury her. "Her spirit isn't here anymore, its just her body"...
My response " neither is your grandma, but you still bury her!!"

My opinion is that she deserves just as much of a burial as a live human being, because she WAS a live 11 week old human being!!

She has a name, I know what she looked like, she is real.

Labor day, I hope my labor begins today, so that others can see her, she is human, she is real, and she was alive!

I did nothing wrong, day 2 waiting

I did nothing wrong, - a phrase a mother that has lost her baby has to repeat to herself, but just never knows how to get herself to believe it. I sure blamed everything I've done in the past 3 days, an everybody around me for that matter.

Fortunately God and Eliza like to talk to me in my dreams.

Last night as I had the past 2 nights I cried myself to sleep, sobbing about my baby. Sad that I'll never get to see her. Upset that I saw her a week ago and since her passing she hasn't come to comfort me..... Until last night.

In my dream I was playing with Donna, her big sister in the park, Eliza came, and was weak and faint and couldn't walk. Donna and I ran to her. Eliza held her chest. She said "Mommy, Mommy its my heart"My husband killed her .. he kicked me in the stomach and killed her! Her heart breaking over his hate LITERALLY KILLED HER 2 days later!! We rushed to the doctors office, it was too late, she was gone. She had disappeared as the full 6 year old she was in the dream (she's always shown herself that age) and she was the size she is right now inside of me, almost an inch small. I was holding her in my hand, crying, knowing .. I DID NOTHING WRONG.. it was her time to go, she just needed a body.

I keep trying to remind myself of my life motto. (TRYING IS THE key word there!)

"Everything happens for a reason, every action, every interaction, the good the bad, the happy, the sad, everything happens for a reason"

That means even this. Losing my baby girl before I get to see her. Never getting to hold her, kiss her, change a diaper, nurse her, sooth her when she cries, or watch her grow.

I have the peace that she can visit me any time she wants.
I have peace knowing that she won't have to suffer in this life with an abusive father that didn't want her
I have peace knowing she was mine, and I got to know her so well.
I have peace knowing my baby won't have the pain and trials of life.
I have peace knowing I'll see her again someday.

I have peace in knowing I DID NOTHING WRONG.

Now we wait.
We wait for her body to come out.
We've decided we don't want her mutilated in a d&c and that we will wait for her to be born and then bury her. So now...  we wait.

The saddest day of my life.. Eliza died

Today started so well. So happy.

Last night one of our goats gave birth to a little boy, the whole family was there and were all out there until 2 am. When we came in I had mild spotting, Jeremy said his ex spotted through her pregnancy and it was probably just "his baby" doing it. I had never spotted with either of my girls so it freaked me out.

I had my OB appointment today to check in miss Eliza and clear me from bedrest. Off me Jeremy and Donna went to the office.

On the drive , little Donna asked if it was time for Eliza to come out yet. As we have told her so many times we said "nope she comes out after halloween, sissys birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, your birthday, new years, Valentine's and St Patrick's day THEN baby Eliza will come out." We all laughed cause she repeated it to the nurse when she came in when we got to the office.

The nurse took my blood pleasure , it was 137/78 ... Which is normally a good blood pressure for normal people but my blood pressure is ALWAYS 100/60 .. I thought that was wierd. We were playing and laughing with the nurse and with each other. After all we were all excited to see miss Eliza again on the ultrasound.

 The nurse took us to the ultrasound room, I changed and got ready for the ultrasound. Still laughing and playing when the doctor came in, because it was his birthday. He began the ultrasound, as he was scanning her, I was explaining to Donna, look there's her spine and her head and her hands and legs" while I was telling her the doctor stopped me and said " "I'm sorry Mary Ellen, but her heart has stopped, her heart is not beating" I was frozen, he was wrong, he couldn't be right. I've seen her, she's talked to me in my dreams she's told me her name. This can't be.
I started tearing up, I was in disbelief. He told me to get dressed and that he was sorry, and that once I was ready to open the door and he would come back and explain everything.

I was just crying so hard. In shock, in disbelief, he handed me a picture of her. He said she was still at the 10 day delay as it had 3 weeks ago when she was healthy, so it had happened I. The past day or 2. But this was it the last thing to see of my baby. I started throwing up, I jumped off the table.
I stayed there and cried and cried, so upset I kept puking.  I eventually got dressed and were taken to another room.
My doctor came in and asked if I had any questions. I was crying and shook my head no. Donna told him " baby Eliza was coming out after Halloween and her birthday, and Christmas" ... I cried even harder. The doctor was so sweet and loving enough to tell her that baby Eliza died, and is with heavenly father now.
Donna had no clue what was going on, she turned to me and said "I'm sorry baby Eliza died mommy" I just kept crying.. I was so numb. I had never even thought I'd lose a baby. I had perfectly healthy babies.

I didn't even have the mindset to even look at my husband, I was just in too much shock, I don't even know if he was crying too. I think he was trying to be strong for me, he had never seen me so beaten and defeated before. I'm usually the strong one. I felt his hand rubbing me every second though.

Every scinario went in my head; was I too restless of a bedrester, cause I never really followed it? did the anesthesia from my stitches do it? How about the dilotted from when my throat was cut? Was it because I sucked at taking my vitamins? Was it because of a fight Jeremy and I had? Was it because I  took an antibiotic for a UTI  I had? Was it because I couldn't just stay home and do what I ws told on bedrest? Was it from the fall from the tree? Was it from the essential oils I used? Was it because she had a natural abnormality? Was it because I wasn't eating well enough? SO MANY THINGS WERE SWIRLING IN MY HEAD. the preassure built I said none outloud, told Jeremy to make my appointment and ran from the office. I was shattered...

I got I the car and just cried and cried.

Jeremy was at a loss of what to do I could tell. The only thing I said was "I know her name is Eliza Jane" he didn't like Jane and we compromised to Ann. He just said "OK" .. He knew not to fight he was very good at nowing right now was my hell.

We got home and I ran to my room.  I took my maternity pants off and threw them, as I won't need them anymore, since I'm not gonna be pregnant much longer.

He left me to cry in my bed.  I started doing the "ugly -I lost -my-baby" TV drama cry. He came down about 10 mins later. He made me a shake to make me feel better. He didn't know what to do. I cried so hard for about 15 mins. It got to a point where I couldn't breathe.

I have a "spare" prescription of xanex I've kept for years, and only have used a handful of times. I told him I needed one so I can handle this. He got it for me. I continued crying. I called my mom 3 times and she didn't answer. She was at the senior center so I called there, she was leading the music, I told them it was an emergency with her daughter. She came to the phone and I told her. She was upset but like my husband was trying to hold it together for me.

I hung up, still numb and crying. I started doing the deep ugly cry again my husband layed in bed with me holding me.. I posted on my Facebook a very simple "Miss Eliza Jane Wigington wasn't able to make it to the mortal world but she got a body, she died in the past couple days ... My heart is broken, I've never lost a baby before ..."
The Xanax kicked in and I fell asleep pretty much right away after that.

I dreamed about my greif, my family, that generally doesn't care about me much, coming to see me and comfort me and my family.

I woke up .. I was dizzy, my head hurt, I'm sure from all the tears, stress, grief, agony.. You name it I was feeling it.

Remember I the dream I just had, a memory jogged my brain. I remembered my sister Christina miscarrying a baby on Thanksgiving one year when we lived in California.  I remember her coming in the house and falling to the floor crying. I remember not knowing how to console her. Not understanding I texted her, told her "Eliza died" she said things that were loving and even helped.

I remembered what I had told other mothers that have lost babies. "It's in gods plan" " your baby must have been so valient to have just needed a body and that was it, now they get to be a wonderful guardian angel for you" "everything happens for a reason" etc etc  I remembered ELIZA needed me to stop crying and look for the bright side.. And start taking my own consolation words to heart!

I went to Facebook and changed my post "Miss Eliza Jane Wigington wasn't able to make it to the mortal world but she got an 11 week old body, she died in the past couple days according to the ultrasound she was the right size for today... I'll never forget her spirit that constantly talked to me. In dreams she showed me what she looked like, and her cute personality.  She had dark curly hair and deep brown eyes with gorgeous lashes . Maybe she knew I wouldn't get to meet her and that was her way of comforting her mama. I've always believed the most valiant souls in the pre earth life, just needed a body, then they get to go back and wait for thier family.  It is my only comfort, My heart is broken, I've never lost a baby before ..."

I felt I needed to tell more about HER,  WHO SHE WAS, give a real description of who she was, since I was the only one that knew her.

I keep remembering g the first dream I had with her. A good year and a half before even conceiving her. She came and told me she was waiting. I knew she was mine, I loved her already.. I loved her pretty eyes and beautiful smile.

The next dream was the next night, she was introducing me to my boys, that I'll have in 2 years, they were rambunctious little guys and she was helping me wrangle them. So pretty so fun, so helpful.

I had many dreams of her since being pregnant with her. She told me her name within a few hours of finding out we were pregnant. That wasn't uncommon for me, both my other girls I knew right away as well.

The last dream I had of her was about a week and a half ago, she came as about a 4-5 year old she just wanted mama kisses and snuggles. I told he I couldn't wait to see her soon. She just snuggled and didn't say anything. Maybe she knew that would never come in person.

I get to gold those memories, maybe she'll visit and give me more.

3 nights ago I had a dream I miscarried and delivered her in the toilet. I assumed it was from all the abortion stuff I've been seeing online. Maybe it was her preparing me.

By the time I woke up Jeremy had gone to work. Kyra was caring for Donna while I slept. I called her and asked if she could make me something to eat. I knew I was greif stricken.

I was so numb, I felt like the world stopped moving. I had about 20 missed calls and just as many texts from people that saw it on Facebook and wanting to talk . I ignored the calls, but did text a few people.  I read all the sweet words people wrote on facebook, it is comforti g to me to know i have so many that love me. But it became too much for me to handle.

I've become a zombie
 I don't know how long I'll be this way. I hope not for long...

I know Kyra is hurting too, I don't know how to help her, I can't even help myself right now.

Every time I go to the bathroom I am anxiously waiting to see bleading so that I can deliver my baby. I want to see her. I want to bury her. I don't want her sucked out of me and thrown away with the aborted babies. She needs to be buried, I need to see her. I need to see my baby. I hope I can.

Put me in a bubble..

Seriously considering buying a human hamster wheel for myself!

Last week  I was vacuuming because we had company coming over. (Yes I know not supposed to but it was a 12x12 rug so not a big area)

I was vaccuming with my right hand and picked up a pair of my sewing scissors (aka suture scissors that I got when Kyra got stitches 5 years ago) I forgot I had picked them up, and went to switch which hand I was vacuuming with and stabbed myself in my left pointer finger... There was a tinj of "what did I just do?" With "oh hod the pain!!" Then I mixed in "oh my look at all the blood" I screamed..
Searched for my husband ran upstairs holding 2 hands of blood, trying not to pass out. Kyra came out of her room as I was hollering and trying frantically to stop the bleeding in the kitchen. I told her we needed to find Jeremy because I needed to go to the hospital. She saw all the blood and didn't ask questions.
We searched everywhere, he was in Seth's room skyping with Seth with his head phones on and couldn't hear us screaming for him. He eventually was found and off to the ER we went.

We got there, checked in, went right back. The Dr came in and asked what I did, as I started telling him, I got to I was vaccuming and picked up a pair of scissors," as he lifted the gauze, left the room with out saying anything, I stopped talking. He shouted in, "keep going I'm just getting a suture kit" we all laughed. I continued telling him the story. He was the funniest doctor ever! Cracking jokes making sure we got good pictures it was fun. I admit it.

So 3 stitches later..

So current count injury count, cracked hip, 3 cracked ribs a dislocated shoulder, and 3 stitches...

You'd think that was enough right??

Saturday we went to the demolition derby.. I look forward to it every year and I couldn't miss it. I think I over exherted myself earlier in the day, yet again not following bedrest and helped put 3 doors in the house.

At the derby I was really light headed and very nauseated. I got carmel corn cause lets face it Carmel corn and redneck demo derby go hand in hand!! After the derby I was feeling very very nauseated... Jeremy went ahead to get the car I figured I'd walk slowly and breathe and I'd be OK.
Halfway there I started puking. Just ALITTLE not much.. Until I had a sharp kernal stuck at around the neck bone of the esophagus. Then violent puking started. It was burning so bad!! I just figured it was the stomach acid and I'll drink water and I'll be fine. I drank 2 bottles of water, and it was still burning I started noticing a blood taste in my mouth. Evey time I swallowed I'd get a small pool in my throat.. I thought was spit, I soon found was blood. We stopped home and I tried to drink aloe, after all it's soothing right?? Wrong... It is unless you cut your throat open. So I got to the er, it was confirmed I cut and scrapes my throat and because I'm pregnant I can't have what they'd do to fix it so I got to just suffer... Well not until they gave me dilotted through the IV. That made me feel loopy.. Man I do NOT know how druggies do it!! But I do remember telling the doctor, which happened to be the same one that stitched my hand, I told him he was AWSOME and that we loved him, he said "sounds like the drugs are kicking in" it was funny.

 I was out for the next day. My throat burned like a diaper rashed baby's butt!! I was on a purely liquid diet for 3 days!

I go see my doctor Friday for my bedrest follow up.. Haha he's not gonna be too happy with me.

I'm feeling good today though
I'll be cutting out the stitches tomorrow and I'll be nearly all healed throat, and my hip and ribs generally aren't hurting anymore ;) so things are good ;)