Genetic testing.. your a WHAT?

So ok after the initial shock of learning we were pregnant with a healthy baby we got excited.  There is a large chance of down syndrome and other genetic disorders, because of my age (39) so they had me do special genetic testing to make sure you are a perfect little one. 

It also tells us the sex. 

At this point I was pretty convinced you were a boy, so much so I bought baby boy clothes and even named you! 

Buuuttttt... 

Today that changed. I called the Dr's office for the rest results. 

"Do you want to know the sex?" The nurse asked. 

"Sure" I responded convinced you were a boy..

"Looks like you're having a baby GIRL" WAIT WHAT!?!? 

I am happy you are you little one. Don't get me wrong I am greatfip for another little girl I love the girly dresses and pink and purple. I was just very shocked I was totally and completely wrong! Haha 🤣

So I gotta get rid of the 4 totes of baby boy clothes and buy you some cute headbands and cute girly clothes ;) 

I'm excited to go through the process of naming you!! 

Love you kiddo!!❤️

Mama

I'm scared

Hey little lady you are 13 weeks 1 day old today! 

I can't wait to see you but let's keep you baking for another 27 weeks, ok! 

Over the weekend mama has been quite sick with Corona. Yesterday daddy and I  went to the hospital to check on you!   

Because I have Corona-19 I can't go to my doctor's office, only the ER so I picked up daddy from work and we went in. 

We were able to see you moving and groving on the ultrasound! So happy to get to see you! 

You waved ALOT 

look at that last picture you've got quite the profile here! I can see your nose, your mouth your eyes your ears your cute little belly! I don't know what is above your head but it looks like a construction workers hat! 

Daddy says you look like a leprechaun. Haha well you ARE Irish! 

In the ultrasound they found what is called a "subchorionic hematoma" you can see it in the picture next to your placenta. 

It scares me knowing you have that. It can cause blessing and sometimes miscarriage. I've had enough of that. So I am praying you stay healthy and in my nice warm womb for at least 27 more weeks!! 

What scares me more is you coming into this uncertain world. With an unknown disease lingering over everyone's heads. Always in people's mind. 

Always feared. 

I have Coronavirus-19, not just getting it , but while pregnant is scary. In the first year of the whole diseases existence. 

So many unknowns. 

So many questions unanswered. 

I pray for you my baby, I pray you are safe. I pray you are born whole and with all of your functions, with no side effects of this nasty virus. 

I pray every day for this! 

It's an interesting time to be born. 

Your big sister Kyra was 9 months old when our country was attacked by terrorists on 9/11. Things changed so much. 

I wonder what will change with your life with these "new normal's." 

I pray for your safety. 

 

2 days later since the last hospital visit. Daddy now has Corona as well. So that's me, sissy Kyra and daddy. Sissy Donna is young and they say the young don't get it very easily unless they are sick anyway. So she is without sickness thank goodness!  I hope that applies to you as well! 

I love you my little lady! 

Your genetic testing should be ready this week so we will confirm how well you are. 

I'm looking forward to seeing how healthy you are! 

Love you! 

Mama

PREGNANCY in a Pandemic- mama has Covid!

The last couple days I've been feeling icky.. ears ringing, brain fog, tired... All pregnancy symptoms right? 

Sure in a normal world.. but not in the wake of the 2020 global pandemic known as Covid -19 

I had this awesome disease in March last year.. I figured I was immune. 

Apprerently I was wrong. Today I woke up especially winded, and breathless and began coughing. 

I had to get my first prego picture or of the way so I put on make up and got cute for the all famous pregnancy bump picture 

Sissy Kyra took it a million times until we got just the right photo. Haha 

I was determined I would push through whatever it was and be productive today. Sick as can be I went to the WIC office -IRONICALLY- at the health department. 

I came home exhausted as ever & decided to call my Dr. 

He told me to go to the ER immediately and get Covid tested.

  So I bundled up in hubby's coat. ( I'm wierd and like to wear it to feel him near me.. don't judge me lol 😂

See difference between earlier in day and then.. yikes right!! By this time my lungs were burning, I had a fever and HORRIBLE CHILLS. 

When I would cough my whole uterus would jump. It was a bumpy ride for you malady, but you took it just fine.

 

Masks suck .. and don't do much.. however everyone is forced to wear them even though I couldn't breathe.. 

This mask is covering up how crappy I felt

I was over it .. I took the mask off!! 

Who wears make up to the ER.. that would be me. Haha 

Anyway I tested positive so did sissy Kyra. 

They gave me a shot of medicine to thin my blood so your cute growing placenta doesn't get a blood clot. I have to take them daily for a whole month.. so fun... NOT! 

So back home me and sissy both went. It is currently 3:25 am and I still can't breathe or sleep .. ughhhhh 

The burning lungs, the ear ringing, the coughing, the CHILLS are keeping me up.. I sure hope you are ok after this stupid Covid leaves my body! Your my miracle baby!! 

Love you kiddo 

Mama 

WOW .. we did NOT see that coming!

So much has happened since we lost our Eliza. 

Jeremy and I Divorced and I swore never to get married again.. 

Well that is, until I met this cute guy at the Fiddler's drive-in .. 

We met at the drive in, he pulled up next to my 1996 Mustang convertible. I offered my chairs to his kids and we got talking, flirted, but he went back to his car when the movie started. (Even though I offered for him to sit in the mustang with me) 

I didn't talk to him after that, well , that day.

 I was bummed too cause that guy and I had so much chemistry. But he didn't ask for my number. So I thought if I were to go back to the dating game that guy would be right perfect for me.

A week later I was in a very serious roll over car accident. It left me in alot of pain. 

I couldn't shift the gears on my mustang very well so I decided to sell it (even though I love it, cause it truly is my dream car). I put it on Facebook marketplace (a place people sell stuff online). 

I got a message .. Robert started off by asking if I was at the Fiddler's drive in a few weeks ago. I spouted back very sassy (and very me) " yeah you were the hot guy that didn't ask for my number" .. 

Well that started a romance that would last for a very long time. 

We met Sept 28 2018 at the drive in, we started dating Dec. 6, 2018, engaged Feb 8th 2019 

and married Feb 8th 2020. 

Throughout our relationship I got pregnant many times, and promptly miscarried every time. I had so much heart break during this time. I was getting pregnant ever other month it seemed. It got to the point I didn't feel I could be happy to be pregnant. 

November 2020, I was pregnant again, this time with a Heterotopic pregnancy. I had one baby in my uterus, and one in my falopian tube. Neither were saveable. At 8 weeks (oct 28th) I had Chemotherapy to help the falopian baby. And Nov. 4th I had a D&C to remove the babies. 

This one BROKE ME. 

I WAS NOT  going to go through this again. I can't! My heart is too broken and my mental health was begining to suffer for it! 

All through November and December I grieved the loss of my boys, I was so sad. Sometimes I was so upset I would throw up! I was so emotional and hurting so deeply from the losses. 

January I started to feel pregnant again, but I was confused because I didn't even get my cycle back. Certainly I couldn't have been pregnant. 

Even if I was, I felt like I shouldn't even be excited because I would just lose the baby anyway. 

To save myself heart ache and heart break I just ignored any pregnancy symptoms as a way of "numbing myself" from the pain of the "impending loss." 

I hated that I felt that way! I hated that I was anything but over the moon excited. I couldn't allow myself that happiness, to just have it taken away again. 

January 24th I couldn't take it anymore I had to know. So I took a test... it was positive... 

My reaction "oh shit, here we go again, I'm gonna lose another baby"... 

I was angry at myself for feeling that way. I wanted to be excited but after so much heartbreak my mind was trying to protect my soul. 

I called and told Robert. (He was on the road for work) 

We thought at most I was just bearly pregnant. I called my doctor and told him and he said to get blood work done in the morning and to see him that afternoon. So I did. 

Going into the hospital for the blood work I was hoping for the best but bracing for the worst. 

I checked the rest results on my phone 90,000 HCG .. WHAT ?? HOW??? Thats not just pregnant but that's SUPER pregnant! How did this even happen? 

I went to the appt and the doctor did an ultrasound.. 

I was terrified, the last few times in the ultrasound room "there's no heartbeat" was said too many times than my heart will aknowledge. 

So terrified, my soul begging  for  a healthy heartbeat.. 

He puts the ultrasound wand in.. and we instantly saw a beautiful teddy bear baby. I kept asking, where's the heart beat where's the heart beat. 

Doctor heath responded .."We have a heart beat".. I broke down crying... 

He measured the baby .. 

11 weeks 1 day 

WAIT!  WHAT? HOW? 

We just had the DNC 11 weeks ago. 

The doctors response, "well something happened 9 weeks and 1 day ago" 

So this little one, is not only 11 weeks (past the scary phase of pregnancy)  but the baby was healthy and just fine! 

Wow 

What a story right!! 

We had another appointment today. We did another ultrasound. Wow that baby was doing summersaults, waving, the whole 9 yards to let mama know that she is just fine! 

Still in shock I'm pregnant, with a healthy baby, and I couldn't be happier!! 

So here I sit, in the waiting room at the hospital getting my blood glucose test. 

I'm so happy. So excited. Scared.. but excited.. 

Kyra is 20, Donna is now 10.. I guess I can't have kids but in 10 year gaps haha 

I can't wait for the future! 

Eliza's birth...

***warning this post has graphic details, if you cant handle it dont read it****
Eliza Jane Wigington entered the world at 10:58 am Sept 11, 2015 ... The day of remembrance has forever been altered and will have a different meaning for me.  I had been spotting brown blood off and on all week, but not even enough to have a pad. That night I had some pink, and then red blood show.  Again, not enough for a pad. I felt like saying "what is all this bleeding everyone was prepping me for?"
In the morning,   I had mild cramps throughout the 10:00am  hour, near the end of the hour I  started to do some deep breathing through the cramps (I use hypnobirthing instead of medication for laboring)  Around 10:45 I felt a gush , it was her water breaking, but i didnt realize that is what it was. I went to the bathroom about 10 mins later to check on it. I got a catching bowl from the hospital and sat down. I felt alot of "stuff" come out immediately. I got up and looked at the bowl.  I immediately saw a hand, she was under her placenta (that was still attached)  I moved the placenta and saw her whole body. I called jeremy to come quick. We saw her head, spine, ribs, legs, arms, all of her perfectly formed fingers and toes. Her head had fallen into the toilet and wasn't attached so I fished it out. I identified it right away. Her body was mostly attached, one arm was not attached either. But I put her back together on a piece of satin. I was so concerned she would dry out and we couldn't see her all together, but I did get her together. .
 I loved looking at her tiny fingers and toes and elbow and knees and all her little details .. For obvious reasons I'm not sharing her picture.  Having her body put all together is relieving and its helped me be at peace.

After Eliza passed I was just spotting, didn't have extreme bleeding, around 12:45 we buried her. My friend Ethan had prepared her grave and dug her hole a few days ago.
After taking some good pictures of her and her casket, we took her outside and buried her. My husband dedicated the grave and we layed her to rest. Donna helped Jeremy fill the hole with dirt. I noticed Kyra was having a really hard time she didn't want to participate, she just sat and cried. Since I wasn't bleeding very much, II assumed I was fine and asked Jeremy if he would take her to get ice cream to try to cheer her up and have a little dad / kid bonding time.
After 20 mins after they left, within 2 mins I passed 2 very big clots , one was baseball and the other was golf ball sized. I called my ob he said to high tail it to the er. Knowing Jeremy was already in town and it would take 15 mins for him to get home then 15 to get to the hospital. So it would take a half hour to get there and I was BLEEDING badly!  I called a few friends couldn't reach anyone, (mom was also in town, giving the same problem as Jeremy) I called my friend Chris asked her if she could take me. She rushed over and she dropped me off at the er then took Donna to my moms.
While at the ER I proceeded to have a full flow of consistent blood coming out of my cervix. I passed probably 15 more huge clots, soaked 2 packages (20) of chucks (those blue soaking pad things they have you sit on) half a container of paper towels (we were using them to soak up the blood) finally...  After 2 ivs, 4 medications , 8 vials of blood and almost 9 hours they got the bleeding to stop and I was able to go home. I refused to leave until I knew the last medication worked and I had truely slowed down my bleeding. It did!
After coming home I was just fine very little bleeding. (I did it all that day!)
NOW All is well..  my post partum bleeding is normal now and I should be just fine ;)

I admit I'm terrified of getting pregnant again... I'm gonna be such a neurotic pregnant mama!

I guess I'll retire this blog unless I have more happen soon, it until I get pregnant again..

Goodbye blog...

What not to say to a grieving mother...

There is someone in my life that made the statement yesterday that really upset me...
Iwent over to see this person and I asked this person if they would like to see the pictures from the ultrasound that I had today, I was so proud of how good they were and thought this person would like to see them. This person said no they saw it on facebook and followed it up with "I'm concerned your so obsessed with this whole thing" I replied "well you've never walked around knowing your dead baby is still inside of you" she shot back "that was disrespectful" ... Um really!?!?! I'm THE ONE THATS DISRESPECTFUL?? ARE YOU GOSH DARN KIDDING ME??? This same person also said that they didn't understand why I want to deliver the baby and bury IT.(not her, it) I just walked away.. I couldn't even confront it.. I refuse to cry anymore!
I am trying to shake it off. But frankly I'm so angry over what was said.

I think for a woman who found out her baby died 5 days ago I am quite functioning!!   I am starting to get upset by what some people are saying to me.

#1 why do you insist on not getting a D&C
My response: I am not judging women who get d&c's...  If that helps you move in and get closure great!! I however want to deliver my baby and bury her to help me get my closure.

#2 why do you want to bury her? Her soul isn't there anymore...
My response: Because I really pray you don't throw me away with Medical waste when I die! Not to mention experts say if you bury your baby it helps with closure. Which I know it will.

#3 I really don't understand why your so upset, you were only 11 weeks along.
My response: a baby is a BABY. No matter how big or small. I got aa special experience with my Eliza! She has let me know her existence for almost 2 years!! Once pregnant she visited me in spirit often! Even told me her name only 5 hours after finding out I was pregnant! I know what she will look like in the afterlife, I have talked to her. You may call me a bit job, but I believe that it's cause I have a close relationship with my daughter that knew her mommy wouldn't get to snuggle he in real life. I appreciate those experiences, and hold them dear.

#4 will you try again soon?
My response: Eliza still isn't out yet, lets not discuss this till later please..

#5 how is your family taking it
My response: I don't know they're all roving the stages of grief every few hours just like me... However I can only speak for myself. I'm mostly settled in acceptance I've been hitting a couple mins of anger, or sadnes here and there. It's not rage or depression so I feel like I'm doing pretty darn well!! I'm worried when she comes into the world it will hit me hard, so I'm enjoying the days of being ok.

#6 please don't say nothing, but don't say too much.
One of my best friends won't even look at me let alone talk to me. Perhaps it's bringing up her own issues of a miscarriage she had 15 years ago, but still.. I would expect one of my best friends to be offering her live and support, but I'm getting nothing. It makes me feel like she really could care less. Even though I know she probably does.
 Another friend thinks that talking to me about her current healthy pregnancy would make me feel better, news flash, it doesn't.  I'm glad your pregnant um so happy your baby is healthy. But right now complaining about our OB not giving you a 3D ultrasound of your 6 week old ivf tripplets that are bearly even noticable on an ultrasound and she's pissed I GOT one of my dead 11 week old baby.
We already discussed the friends that are trying to convince me to d&c.
And then... Friends that just cry at me... Especially those that have lost babies as well. I'm gonna say this as sensitive as I can. I get that you've lost a baby too, I get that your trying to empathize with me cause you've been there. But I can't take the crying anymore!!  Im sorry if I sound insensitive when I say I don't want to hear about your miscarriage story. (I can handle it if it's breif 2-3 min story but a 15 min diatribe is about the point where I want to punch you) I want to think positivly and look to the best of things right now and I dint want to be brought down!

On the flip side:
The BEST THINGS TO DO  WITH ME RIGHT NOW..
#1 offer to take my kids for a little bit and do something fun with them.
#2 offer to come over and play games with me (I have about 150 games and I love playing them)
#3 do things that make me laugh smile and enjoy life!!
#4 Offer to come watch a funny movie with me.
#5 Offer to clean my kitchen what woman wouldn't appreciate this?
#6 Offer to make my family dinner.

Just a handful of suggestions if you don't know what to do...

I appreciate every person that's reached out to me!! I appreciate everyone that has come to "babysit" me while my husband has been at work. I appreciate every text, Facebook message, comment, or phone calls... Even though I may not have answered, or may not have responded.. I've appreciated them all!!

On a positive note:
At my appt yesterday we got 3 really good pictures of dear Eliza. One you can see all 4 limbs and her head... She looks like a teddy bear it made me very happy! And he flipped it to the 3D (I didn't know he was going to do that) and he got a VERY CLEAR picture of her!! It looks like she is holding her hands to her face like she's crying. It is very precious to me!!

My dear friend Ethan dug her grave hile yesterday, and we picked out what we will bury her in. I am pretty happy its all ready for her to arrive!!

I think it will be less stressful for me when she does come!

I blurted "I have my dead baby inside of me" to a stranger

I'm at an anxious waiting phase still. It's been 5 days. Eliza hasn't contracted or bled a single bit!
Yesterday's was eventful. I thought I'd leave my basement and go to the parade and fair with my friend. My back was hurting but I was fine.

Emotionally I really feel settled about everything. I however did something unexpected. Frankly I'm embarased I did it... (This blog isn't about BS .. its about the gods honest truth... ) When we sat down at the parade, my friend had friends sitting right behind us. I was rubbing my back and he asked if I wanted to use the chair. I said very non-chalantly and brave and straight forward as not to cry " I need my back to hurt cause I'm hoping it turns into contractions because my baby died and I  need her to come out" then I turned back around to the parade. I'm sure this had to have freaked this guy out. But it kinda flew out of my mouth. I saw the "oh god what do I say to that" look on his face, then he saw my "oh dear heavens I did not just blurt that to a perfect stranger" look I gave back as I turned back around.

I was ashamed, embarrassed, but I  felt I needed to say something for some reason. Tell someone "my precious baby's dead body is stuck inside of me and she won't come out!

I came home from the fair to see my husband pulling in the driveway at the same time. He went in the house and layed down as he often does. I assumed he was getting depressed over the baby. So I left him to grieve.

We've had a sick 2 month old goat that I havent been able to attend to since Friday. So I went to find him and give him a b-12 shot. We finally found him, hiding behind a wood pile. Not moving.
I gave him the shot, but it didn't help. He wouldn't stand, very shallow breathing and was very clearly dying. I tried giving him a bottle thinking maybe he was dehydrated? He just layed there. It was too late. He was dying.

At the same time my husband is telling me he's nauseous and didn't feel well. I started saying " honey your emotions are just upset over the baby" then he says "its probably from getting hit in the face at work" WHAT???  My attention imediatly swings to my husband, as my friend was handling the dying goat. I find out one of the special needs clients at work clocked him in the face and in the back of the head and that he's been this way since noon (it was about 5:00 at this time) and nno oneoone at work took him to instacare or anything!!! I was so mad.

So here it is I'm dealing with a dying animal and husband with a concussion while I'm waiting for my dead baby to show up.

I send my husband with my friend to the ER, while I waited for my mom to come get the girls and for a friend to put down the goat. Once the guy handled the goat I headed to the er. Where hubs was diagnosed with an eye laceration and a severe concussion.

It was a long day.

This morning I had partial mucous plug come out. I hoped for more or bleeding, I've been sitting around all day watching walking dead on Netflix with hubs and nothing.

I have my OB appt tomorrow, to get my final pictures of her and to discuss options. I'm sure he'll recommend a d&c again and I'm sure I'll keep saying thanks but no thanks and he'll disagree and I'll smile and say thanks for your opinion lol

I'm hoping he'll give me something to soften the cervix, or to start contractions. Let's cross our fingers.