It's labor day...

It's labor day, gives new meaning to the day today.

I'm on day 4 waiting for Eliza to come out.  And it's Labor day....

Yesterday was a good day of acceptance. I had 4 very AWSOME friends babysit me in shifts while my husband was at work. He had a long what was supposed to be  12 hour shift and ended up being ing a 14 hour shift. I feel I need an adult nearby in case I start bleeding and its too much for me to handle.

We had a good time playing games and  watching movies.

My friend and I were walking around the yard and I think we found where Eliza will be put to rest.

Someone asked why I am going to bury her. "Her spirit isn't here anymore, its just her body"...
My response " neither is your grandma, but you still bury her!!"

My opinion is that she deserves just as much of a burial as a live human being, because she WAS a live 11 week old human being!!

She has a name, I know what she looked like, she is real.

Labor day, I hope my labor begins today, so that others can see her, she is human, she is real, and she was alive!

I did nothing wrong, day 2 waiting

I did nothing wrong, - a phrase a mother that has lost her baby has to repeat to herself, but just never knows how to get herself to believe it. I sure blamed everything I've done in the past 3 days, an everybody around me for that matter.

Fortunately God and Eliza like to talk to me in my dreams.

Last night as I had the past 2 nights I cried myself to sleep, sobbing about my baby. Sad that I'll never get to see her. Upset that I saw her a week ago and since her passing she hasn't come to comfort me..... Until last night.

In my dream I was playing with Donna, her big sister in the park, Eliza came, and was weak and faint and couldn't walk. Donna and I ran to her. Eliza held her chest. She said "Mommy, Mommy its my heart"My husband killed her .. he kicked me in the stomach and killed her! Her heart breaking over his hate LITERALLY KILLED HER 2 days later!! We rushed to the doctors office, it was too late, she was gone. She had disappeared as the full 6 year old she was in the dream (she's always shown herself that age) and she was the size she is right now inside of me, almost an inch small. I was holding her in my hand, crying, knowing .. I DID NOTHING WRONG.. it was her time to go, she just needed a body.

I keep trying to remind myself of my life motto. (TRYING IS THE key word there!)

"Everything happens for a reason, every action, every interaction, the good the bad, the happy, the sad, everything happens for a reason"

That means even this. Losing my baby girl before I get to see her. Never getting to hold her, kiss her, change a diaper, nurse her, sooth her when she cries, or watch her grow.

I have the peace that she can visit me any time she wants.
I have peace knowing that she won't have to suffer in this life with an abusive father that didn't want her
I have peace knowing she was mine, and I got to know her so well.
I have peace knowing my baby won't have the pain and trials of life.
I have peace knowing I'll see her again someday.

I have peace in knowing I DID NOTHING WRONG.

Now we wait.
We wait for her body to come out.
We've decided we don't want her mutilated in a d&c and that we will wait for her to be born and then bury her. So now...  we wait.

The saddest day of my life.. Eliza died

Today started so well. So happy.

Last night one of our goats gave birth to a little boy, the whole family was there and were all out there until 2 am. When we came in I had mild spotting, Jeremy said his ex spotted through her pregnancy and it was probably just "his baby" doing it. I had never spotted with either of my girls so it freaked me out.

I had my OB appointment today to check in miss Eliza and clear me from bedrest. Off me Jeremy and Donna went to the office.

On the drive , little Donna asked if it was time for Eliza to come out yet. As we have told her so many times we said "nope she comes out after halloween, sissys birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, your birthday, new years, Valentine's and St Patrick's day THEN baby Eliza will come out." We all laughed cause she repeated it to the nurse when she came in when we got to the office.

The nurse took my blood pleasure , it was 137/78 ... Which is normally a good blood pressure for normal people but my blood pressure is ALWAYS 100/60 .. I thought that was wierd. We were playing and laughing with the nurse and with each other. After all we were all excited to see miss Eliza again on the ultrasound.

 The nurse took us to the ultrasound room, I changed and got ready for the ultrasound. Still laughing and playing when the doctor came in, because it was his birthday. He began the ultrasound, as he was scanning her, I was explaining to Donna, look there's her spine and her head and her hands and legs" while I was telling her the doctor stopped me and said " "I'm sorry Mary Ellen, but her heart has stopped, her heart is not beating" I was frozen, he was wrong, he couldn't be right. I've seen her, she's talked to me in my dreams she's told me her name. This can't be.
I started tearing up, I was in disbelief. He told me to get dressed and that he was sorry, and that once I was ready to open the door and he would come back and explain everything.

I was just crying so hard. In shock, in disbelief, he handed me a picture of her. He said she was still at the 10 day delay as it had 3 weeks ago when she was healthy, so it had happened I. The past day or 2. But this was it the last thing to see of my baby. I started throwing up, I jumped off the table.
I stayed there and cried and cried, so upset I kept puking.  I eventually got dressed and were taken to another room.
My doctor came in and asked if I had any questions. I was crying and shook my head no. Donna told him " baby Eliza was coming out after Halloween and her birthday, and Christmas" ... I cried even harder. The doctor was so sweet and loving enough to tell her that baby Eliza died, and is with heavenly father now.
Donna had no clue what was going on, she turned to me and said "I'm sorry baby Eliza died mommy" I just kept crying.. I was so numb. I had never even thought I'd lose a baby. I had perfectly healthy babies.

I didn't even have the mindset to even look at my husband, I was just in too much shock, I don't even know if he was crying too. I think he was trying to be strong for me, he had never seen me so beaten and defeated before. I'm usually the strong one. I felt his hand rubbing me every second though.

Every scinario went in my head; was I too restless of a bedrester, cause I never really followed it? did the anesthesia from my stitches do it? How about the dilotted from when my throat was cut? Was it because I sucked at taking my vitamins? Was it because of a fight Jeremy and I had? Was it because I  took an antibiotic for a UTI  I had? Was it because I couldn't just stay home and do what I ws told on bedrest? Was it from the fall from the tree? Was it from the essential oils I used? Was it because she had a natural abnormality? Was it because I wasn't eating well enough? SO MANY THINGS WERE SWIRLING IN MY HEAD. the preassure built I said none outloud, told Jeremy to make my appointment and ran from the office. I was shattered...

I got I the car and just cried and cried.

Jeremy was at a loss of what to do I could tell. The only thing I said was "I know her name is Eliza Jane" he didn't like Jane and we compromised to Ann. He just said "OK" .. He knew not to fight he was very good at nowing right now was my hell.

We got home and I ran to my room.  I took my maternity pants off and threw them, as I won't need them anymore, since I'm not gonna be pregnant much longer.

He left me to cry in my bed.  I started doing the "ugly -I lost -my-baby" TV drama cry. He came down about 10 mins later. He made me a shake to make me feel better. He didn't know what to do. I cried so hard for about 15 mins. It got to a point where I couldn't breathe.

I have a "spare" prescription of xanex I've kept for years, and only have used a handful of times. I told him I needed one so I can handle this. He got it for me. I continued crying. I called my mom 3 times and she didn't answer. She was at the senior center so I called there, she was leading the music, I told them it was an emergency with her daughter. She came to the phone and I told her. She was upset but like my husband was trying to hold it together for me.

I hung up, still numb and crying. I started doing the deep ugly cry again my husband layed in bed with me holding me.. I posted on my Facebook a very simple "Miss Eliza Jane Wigington wasn't able to make it to the mortal world but she got a body, she died in the past couple days ... My heart is broken, I've never lost a baby before ..."
The Xanax kicked in and I fell asleep pretty much right away after that.

I dreamed about my greif, my family, that generally doesn't care about me much, coming to see me and comfort me and my family.

I woke up .. I was dizzy, my head hurt, I'm sure from all the tears, stress, grief, agony.. You name it I was feeling it.

Remember I the dream I just had, a memory jogged my brain. I remembered my sister Christina miscarrying a baby on Thanksgiving one year when we lived in California.  I remember her coming in the house and falling to the floor crying. I remember not knowing how to console her. Not understanding I texted her, told her "Eliza died" she said things that were loving and even helped.

I remembered what I had told other mothers that have lost babies. "It's in gods plan" " your baby must have been so valient to have just needed a body and that was it, now they get to be a wonderful guardian angel for you" "everything happens for a reason" etc etc  I remembered ELIZA needed me to stop crying and look for the bright side.. And start taking my own consolation words to heart!

I went to Facebook and changed my post "Miss Eliza Jane Wigington wasn't able to make it to the mortal world but she got an 11 week old body, she died in the past couple days according to the ultrasound she was the right size for today... I'll never forget her spirit that constantly talked to me. In dreams she showed me what she looked like, and her cute personality.  She had dark curly hair and deep brown eyes with gorgeous lashes . Maybe she knew I wouldn't get to meet her and that was her way of comforting her mama. I've always believed the most valiant souls in the pre earth life, just needed a body, then they get to go back and wait for thier family.  It is my only comfort, My heart is broken, I've never lost a baby before ..."

I felt I needed to tell more about HER,  WHO SHE WAS, give a real description of who she was, since I was the only one that knew her.

I keep remembering g the first dream I had with her. A good year and a half before even conceiving her. She came and told me she was waiting. I knew she was mine, I loved her already.. I loved her pretty eyes and beautiful smile.

The next dream was the next night, she was introducing me to my boys, that I'll have in 2 years, they were rambunctious little guys and she was helping me wrangle them. So pretty so fun, so helpful.

I had many dreams of her since being pregnant with her. She told me her name within a few hours of finding out we were pregnant. That wasn't uncommon for me, both my other girls I knew right away as well.

The last dream I had of her was about a week and a half ago, she came as about a 4-5 year old she just wanted mama kisses and snuggles. I told he I couldn't wait to see her soon. She just snuggled and didn't say anything. Maybe she knew that would never come in person.

I get to gold those memories, maybe she'll visit and give me more.

3 nights ago I had a dream I miscarried and delivered her in the toilet. I assumed it was from all the abortion stuff I've been seeing online. Maybe it was her preparing me.

By the time I woke up Jeremy had gone to work. Kyra was caring for Donna while I slept. I called her and asked if she could make me something to eat. I knew I was greif stricken.

I was so numb, I felt like the world stopped moving. I had about 20 missed calls and just as many texts from people that saw it on Facebook and wanting to talk . I ignored the calls, but did text a few people.  I read all the sweet words people wrote on facebook, it is comforti g to me to know i have so many that love me. But it became too much for me to handle.

I've become a zombie
 I don't know how long I'll be this way. I hope not for long...

I know Kyra is hurting too, I don't know how to help her, I can't even help myself right now.

Every time I go to the bathroom I am anxiously waiting to see bleading so that I can deliver my baby. I want to see her. I want to bury her. I don't want her sucked out of me and thrown away with the aborted babies. She needs to be buried, I need to see her. I need to see my baby. I hope I can.

Put me in a bubble..

Seriously considering buying a human hamster wheel for myself!

Last week  I was vacuuming because we had company coming over. (Yes I know not supposed to but it was a 12x12 rug so not a big area)

I was vaccuming with my right hand and picked up a pair of my sewing scissors (aka suture scissors that I got when Kyra got stitches 5 years ago) I forgot I had picked them up, and went to switch which hand I was vacuuming with and stabbed myself in my left pointer finger... There was a tinj of "what did I just do?" With "oh hod the pain!!" Then I mixed in "oh my look at all the blood" I screamed..
Searched for my husband ran upstairs holding 2 hands of blood, trying not to pass out. Kyra came out of her room as I was hollering and trying frantically to stop the bleeding in the kitchen. I told her we needed to find Jeremy because I needed to go to the hospital. She saw all the blood and didn't ask questions.
We searched everywhere, he was in Seth's room skyping with Seth with his head phones on and couldn't hear us screaming for him. He eventually was found and off to the ER we went.

We got there, checked in, went right back. The Dr came in and asked what I did, as I started telling him, I got to I was vaccuming and picked up a pair of scissors," as he lifted the gauze, left the room with out saying anything, I stopped talking. He shouted in, "keep going I'm just getting a suture kit" we all laughed. I continued telling him the story. He was the funniest doctor ever! Cracking jokes making sure we got good pictures it was fun. I admit it.

So 3 stitches later..

So current count injury count, cracked hip, 3 cracked ribs a dislocated shoulder, and 3 stitches...

You'd think that was enough right??

Saturday we went to the demolition derby.. I look forward to it every year and I couldn't miss it. I think I over exherted myself earlier in the day, yet again not following bedrest and helped put 3 doors in the house.

At the derby I was really light headed and very nauseated. I got carmel corn cause lets face it Carmel corn and redneck demo derby go hand in hand!! After the derby I was feeling very very nauseated... Jeremy went ahead to get the car I figured I'd walk slowly and breathe and I'd be OK.
Halfway there I started puking. Just ALITTLE not much.. Until I had a sharp kernal stuck at around the neck bone of the esophagus. Then violent puking started. It was burning so bad!! I just figured it was the stomach acid and I'll drink water and I'll be fine. I drank 2 bottles of water, and it was still burning I started noticing a blood taste in my mouth. Evey time I swallowed I'd get a small pool in my throat.. I thought was spit, I soon found was blood. We stopped home and I tried to drink aloe, after all it's soothing right?? Wrong... It is unless you cut your throat open. So I got to the er, it was confirmed I cut and scrapes my throat and because I'm pregnant I can't have what they'd do to fix it so I got to just suffer... Well not until they gave me dilotted through the IV. That made me feel loopy.. Man I do NOT know how druggies do it!! But I do remember telling the doctor, which happened to be the same one that stitched my hand, I told him he was AWSOME and that we loved him, he said "sounds like the drugs are kicking in" it was funny.

 I was out for the next day. My throat burned like a diaper rashed baby's butt!! I was on a purely liquid diet for 3 days!

I go see my doctor Friday for my bedrest follow up.. Haha he's not gonna be too happy with me.

I'm feeling good today though
I'll be cutting out the stitches tomorrow and I'll be nearly all healed throat, and my hip and ribs generally aren't hurting anymore ;) so things are good ;)

Falling out of a treeswing =Bedrest.. Seriously?

So 6 days ago I put my new tree swing in my tree. I have wanted one if these since I was a teen!! I was so excited!
So I get it in the tree secure the 2 sides, seemed secure. Donna wanted to come sit in my lap. I seemed secure so I pulled her into my lap, just then boom crash the right side popped and I landed on my right hip HARD on the ground!! I was like oh I'm fine I'm fine. I could see Jeremy fighting the urge to laugh. But I was in legit pain, but wasn't gonna tell his smart butt that!!
I called the doctor and he asked if I had bleeding, I hadn't gone to the bathroom yet so I said no. He said to come in and we will check her out anyway. I went to the bathroom 20 mins later... There was brown (aka old) blood and alot of mucous. So I called him back and told him. He said he'll do an ultrasound and make sure she is fine.

We got to the office about 3 hours later, we had the ultrasound got to hear her 155 bpm heartbeat she was good and healthy!!  She was measuring 10 days small... Frankly scaring the crap out of me, cause it just didn't make sense at all. We had sex on the 29th I ovulated on the 31st.. And according to his measurement he said we conceived in the 17th... There is no possible way because we already had 2 positive hcg tests by then ... Not to mention that we didn't even have sex for 9 days before the 17th! And I KNOW I ovulated on the 31st!! so I'm a little worried she's measuring small.

Anyway so after he's done with the baby is smaller so the due date is changed to April 5 discussion.

He then casually says, ok "so take it easy the next 3 weeks, no vigorous activity, nothing that will tire you, no lifting or carrying anything if you can help it, and no sex for 3 weeks..." NOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOUR KIDDING ME RIGHT!?!?! I'm a freaking newlywed still !! what ?? He said other stuff after that but I was still in schock of the no sex restriction with my brain screaming "you've got to be kidding me" so I didn't hear it..

The bleeding stopped 2 days later, but Im still on restriction...

I'm fairly sure I cracked my hip bone cause its still writhing in agony pain 6 days later!  When I fell I also popped out 3 ribs that I have had trouble with for 2 years ; Long story short on those ribs, I slipped on railroad ties in the winter on ice and cracked them and they like to pop out alot, my chiropractor is constantly putting them back for me. And last but not least I popped my shoulder blade as well .. So I really am a sad pile of bones right now!! And I should be behaving on this bedrest, but I have stuff to do, like feeding goats, and weeding the garden, and pulling siding off my house lol .. I have to say I suck at bedrest..

Oh and another note... I have been having  horrible horrible horrible headaches since getting pregnant that are constant ... And this event didn't help, instead of prescribing pain medicine, I get a Dr pepper a day... I haven't drank soda regularly in 3 years.. This will be interesting... I'm not drinking one a day though I'm just doing it when the headaches are really bad.. It does work though. Who knew!?!?

I'm exhausted.. ALL THE TIME!!

I am so tired all the time!
I don't remember being this tired in either if my previous pregnancies!!
I literally go up the stairs and wear out. I mean yes I'm fat, but holy crap even being fat I've never worn out this fast!
Fortunately for the first time I have a husband with me to help me though the pregnancy!  Maybe it's God's way of saying "well done doing it in your own, twice, now have fun having a helpmate, so feel free to relax some this time, I'll help you out by exhausting you CONSTANTLY!!"
Is that fair ? I dunno, but I'm OK with it ... My husband is being really sweet about it. I'm greatful he is being so patient even with my pregnancy crying lol.
The other night I had a totally pregnancy hormone induced cry, and he was so sweet about it.

I'm so greatful to have him here with me to help me though it!

The first doctors appointment

I'll get the hcg numbers it of the way it went 23, 53 100, 255, 550, 1345, 2000 .. Once I hit 2000 we got an ultrasound ;)

My doctor has an office in central Utah and we had a funeral for a friend on Saturday up there as well, and the doctors appt on Friday so we went camping in Manti. It was really fun ;)
The ultrasound was an internal ultrasound, Jeremy was scared it would hurt the baby , the doctor assured him it was safe. ;) Then we got to see the little one ;) we didn't get a print out but the doctor explained to Jeremy the sac, placenta, and baby. He measured the sac 4-6 weeks but in 4 weeks we will get another ultrasound where we will get an exact age

As far as puking and nauseated life goes I don't have any symptoms of pregnancy other than exhaustion.